I realized this long weekend that no one ever asks me how I’m doing. Let me correct that – no one ever asks how I’m doing without wanting more than a “fine, how are you?”
Even my friend who I have known for 25 years will ask how I am only to use it as a platform for telling me how SHE is. I say whatever I say – she says “that’s nice” then launches into a lengthy rant on how she is doing. She is always doing worse than me – life is worse – shit cannot be understood by me – it is that bad.
Meanwhile, I think “yeah – whatever – you and every other teacher I know has those issues”. I try to give empathy but fall short when she doesn’t want it. Fuck, I don’t know what she wants most times anymore.
And while I’m trying to sort it out, it is not lost on me that anything I say beyond “I’m fine” is ignored.
“I’m having a rough week this week – lots of emotions are hitting the fan and I feel like I’m drowning…”
….is met with, “anyway, I have this kid in my class that….”
or “I want to go do this but it is still very hard because…..”
….is met with her totally ignoring that and telling me about her new bed.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
I have hit a point where I’m not sure who cares and who does not. I’ve started almost throwing the truth out as a test. Will they meet me as a person – or use it as a stepping stone for how it is really about them. Sadly, as I get older, I realize how many people do not know enough about empathy – how many people just want it all to be about them vs give forth the empathy others need.
I guess I notice this more than ever because I rarely interact with people outside of chat online or text. Not working for 8 months. Not feeling like going out into the kink community in like 6 months. My interacts are online or with my kids or with G or with total strangers.
I think that is why my friends doing this shit makes me wonder if they really are friends.
Because how I am?
Depends on the day.
Some days I am good – I am enjoying not working. I am enjoying creating. I am enjoying my routine of coffee with the cat, making the family a good meal, and browsing around online.
Some days, I am wondering what the fuck I’m doing. I need to work, yet don’t know what I want to do. I need to interact with people, but am not sure I can deal with small talk.
Other days, I am determined to sell my photography. I put myself out there. I work hard making my prints and doing my art and perfecting the process. I am eager to do well so I don’t have to be beholden to a corporate engine.
Then I have days where I feel like it won’t work. I feel like I’m spending a lot of time and money doing things that will result in nothing. That people don’t think my photographs are worth it. I start wondering why I’m thinking this can work for me.
I have days where I’m laughing and snarky and feeling good.
I have days where I feel down and feeling worthless.
I have days when I talk to six different recruiters who believe they can find me something.
Then I have days where the silence makes me wonder if my perceived skillset is reality.
I am trying to stay up as much as I can…..
…..but some days that is not easy.
There are some days where the dogs and the cat understand me better than people.
Though, I guess why I keep trying comes from this understanding: