Disassembly

Each day, I have woken up to the photo. It hung on the wall on my side of the bed. He and me. At a happier time. Some mornings I would smile. Some mornings I would have tears in my eyes.

I had mounted that photo of us in a way I had done other family photos. When I did it, it felt right – he was part of my life – part of my family. When I took it off of the wall, I put it in a place where I didn’t realize I would see it each morning. But I did.

A couple days ago, I took that photo apart. With tears in my eyes, I peeled it off of the frame I had mounted it. I was careful too. I couldn’t bear the idea of it tearing. So I was careful. And when the photo was finally released, I set it aside, carefully. I contemplated putting it away, but ended up putting it in a place where I still see it.

I’ve been in my office for two days straight. I have to get things ready for this show and sale.  I’ve spent hours in my office. This photo has been sitting in the place that I have left it – looking over me and my work.  There are times when I look at it and smile.  That has been most of the time. But then I will encounter a photo – a photo I took when we were together – see the photo – and I have to walk away.

Six months.

I keep thinking shit should get easier. But then I encounter something that is us – and fuck….I realize how much it isn’t easy.

I can try to pretend shit wasn’t as good at it felt – but fuck – it’s all a lie ……tears come for a reason….

It is why that photo will stay where it is at – prominent in my view…..because to hide it is to make me feel like it wasn’t true – should be hidden – was the “foreseeable event that I did not see”.  I can’t do it ….not yet…..even at six months…..

sigh

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