“I don’t know why I’m nervous,” I thought as I was driving to the club for the kink party.

I tried to remind myself that it was nervousness like when I was playing softball – not scared but anxious to just get things started because I knew once there, all would be fine.

But I was nervous.  Who would be there? Would the energy be good? Would the stress of the past week play negatively into the scene I was supposed to have? What if it went sideways – I CAN’T HANDLE IT GOING SIDEWAYS!!

I turned up the music in an attempt to quiet the voices in my head.

Then it hit me.  (no pun intended)

I’m going into a club that I fucking have a key and security code to.  I know the owners who will be there. I know the staff who will be there.  They are all my friends.  The person who runs this party is a friend.  What the fuck am I nervous about??

I found a parking spot right next to the club – a rarity given that construction and all has screwed with parking nearby.  As I was getting out of the car, a person I knew was walking by, so I wasn’t going to have to walk alone.

“Ok, universe, I hear you!” I thought.

I was close to the club when I spotted 3 people who work there that I know really well.

“Hey, guys, how’s it going?”

Both guys turned, saw my cleavage, which was definitely front and center since the bra and dress sorta push them out there, then picked their jaws up off of the ground as they both said, “Emmy?”

I started laughing at them as did the partner of one of the guys.

“Yes, the girls are out tonight,” I laughed.

“You look great, not that you usually don’t look great, it’s just – wow…” started rambling one guy.

The other was like “give me a hug before I keep staring”.  This guy is an energy guy.  I have always felt it – but when I was keyed up before the last art show, he came up to me suddenly, gave me a long tight hug, and I felt my energy go back to normal.  I was happy to hug him.

We all chatted for a couple more minutes, then the partner of one guys grabbed me and was like “let’s get you inside so these guys are not distracted anymore.”  Because she was working, she went up, got me a wristband before the others, told the person at the desk I was her guest for the night, and pulled me inside.

“Have fun – see you later,” she said as she wandered back to her job.

The place was still pretty mellow, so I got a drink then wandered to see who was there.

I found a friend, then found another – both working – then found a spot to people watch.  Who knew people watching from a fixed location would draw in conversations.  I caught up with the rope guy who I have respect for.  He was stashing his 4 bags of rope until he could find a victim to tie.  I talked to a rope guru who was just back from an emergency visit to family.  Great catching up with him.  I finally formally met a guy who has been in the community for a while – but we just had never met.  We talked for a while too.

The person I had a scene planned with was finally free.  We headed to a space away from people because I was promised single tail -and the dedicated dungeon area wasn’t a good place for it as it didn’t have enough space.  So we went to the empty but open couples areas in a different part of the club.

Endorphins make me giggle from the pain – that and the fact something hurts so bad but feels so good just amuses the fuck out of me.  But I couldn’t help but laugh at the juxtaposition of the things going on.  In a private room off to the side, we heard moaning and giggling and all from sex.  Meanwhile, moaning and giggling were happening in our space because of pain.  While we hear the sounds of release from the others around us, my release is coming from the sound of a paddle on my ass, the sound of a cane swinging hard through the air and landing on skin, and the snap of a single tail finding its target.

This realization about how different of acts are happening with similar vocal expressions – well, it made me giggle harder.

The scene ended when someone came into the space and committed a party foul.  She was immediately escorted out – but the energy and all was broken.  (She came in and started commenting on scenes to those in the middle of them.)  It was OK though. I got what I needed (at least bottoming) – and was relaxed and flying higher than a kite.

After that, I wandered around people watching some more.  I talked to a few people who were like “geesh, this is boring tonight.”  Sorry to hear that – I am doing pretty damn well myself.  I said good-bye to some friends and came home – but not before stopping to get myself some food.  Bottoming can sometimes make me hungry.

I am a huge believer that BDSM is not therapy.  Some I know use it to work out their issues – their emotions – their baggage.  I am not someone who uses it for that.

I guess I realize that I need it like I need a massage.  It works out the kinks. It leaves me relaxed.  It shuts down the shit in my head. And with the right Top, it can feed me the energy I need.

Putting myself in a vulnerable situation, turning myself over to someone I trust to hit me with things until I can’t take it anymore – there is something very freeing that comes from that exchange even if it is lacking the depth of intimacy that I do miss.

I find the calm…..amidst the pain.