I went to bed last night, trying to force myself to sleep at a normal hour. I shut off my phone and turned on an audiobook. I could tell my brain needed something to do – so I picked something my brain could chew on. I was trying to go for this:
4:30am; I finally fell asleep.
Yeah, apparently my attempt did not work.
When I finally woke up, I felt raw. Truth be told, I have been feeling raw too much this week. Like my emotions are just under the surface – and I’m just thankful they are staying below the surface.
I’ve been putting together a series of “products” for my web store. It is a risk. A risk I need to take else I won’t go forward. I know that. But unsure and me? Well, we don’t have a good relationship.
Add into it some unexpected expenses that came up. Seeing a significant dip in the savings while I’m not working? My sense of obligation as breadwinner is strong. I have guilt for not working and not trying really hard to work. I have stress about shifting gears from my photography and my art back to IT. I love IT but am just tired.
Oh and ironically, my in-laws – the ones I have struggled with for way too many years of my life…..well, I helped them a couple days ago with a computer issue. Both were hopefully I could make a go of the photography so I could forego the working. Yeah, I picked my own jaw up off of the ground. Having my MIL especially openly hope I could go another six months without a job because “you deserve a break”; well, it encourages me but still conflicts with my looking at the bank account.
I was supposed to have a date to be beaten today. And when I woke up, realized how much a casual beating won’t work for me. We had planned this date over the weekend. He was to host. After that negotiation – I never heard another word about it. Even after sleeping in well past when I intended, he never even pinged me to verify a time. I have conversed with him a number of times since the date was planned. The lack of communication made me realize that all casual is doing for me now is make me realize what I’m missing. Missing someone who cares enough to at least verify a time ahead of time. Simple thing, I know – but important if you are trying to make someone feel like you are looking forward to it. So I have backed away from anything in the future. I need more……more than just a guy swinging impact instruments.
Add into it some vivid dreams I’ve been having, and today has been sort of a mess.
I’ve tried to get control by taking action.
I ordered some notecards for my photography webstore.
I applied for unemployment which will take some stress off financially.
I even applied for a job that had 2 things I liked – a comment about how they need someone who knows what to do with chaos (I do) – and a clear commentary on their culture which is core hours are 9-3 so be there during then and get your job done otherwise.
Then I made dinner using stuff I had in the cupboard and freezer. Even made something from scratch vs buying it just because I had what I needed to make it – and I could save money doing it that way.
Yeah, trying to take control.
Now we wait for the series of storm that should start hitting us tomorrow. I figure I’ll get up in the morning, get a few essentials, and settle in for the storms that should be done Sunday night / Monday morning. Then I’m going to put together stuff for the gallery and start scheduling next year.
Hell, maybe I’ll submit some pieces to a gallery or two.
Oh and I need to start running again. My youngest is doing a running program after school – and she needs a running partner when they do their run in December. Because it is female focused, her partner has to be a woman. That would be me. A good excuse, I guess.
Maybe running will get my head on straight – and get my emotions worked out through sweat vs tears.
G told me the other day when something happened and he could see I was fighting my own response – “just feel it – and ride it – and let it go. it’s okay – nothing is wrong with it.”
I’m trying -boy am I trying.
Just some days, like today, is harder than other days. And al I feel is raw.