“Momma Said There’d Be Days Like This…”

“Fucking cat” I heard him utter under his breath as he was digging through the dresser drawers.  I was half awake, but could tell something was going on.

“What’s going on?”

The elderly dog wouldn’t get up or move this morning, so G had left the door open for him while G went to take a shower.  He came down from showering in time to see a streak of ginger run out the open door.  Our FIV+ cat who has to be an indoor cat was running to freedom.  Meanwhile, the elderly dog still had not moved.

“So now the girls are outside looking for the cat. I don’t know what to do about the dog.  This morning is fucked up.”

That was my queue to get up.

I had only gone to sleep 5hrs earlier.

Both of the girls were outside calling the cat – looking under decks and porches and in bushes.  I looked in the places I knew the cat liked to hide, but no luck.  I came back inside and convinced the elderly dog to get up and go outside, then cleaned up the mess he had made.  Yay arthritic dog. Fuck.

I made coffee for DJ who was almost in tears at the fact she can’t find her cat – at all, and she has to go to school.  I made Indigo a protein shake while she was still looking for the cat.  I did other things needed so they could get out the door.

Once gone, I made my own coffee and wandered around trying to find the cat.  I ate breakfast after I couldn’t find him.  Did some job search stuff with my breaks consisting of looking for the cat.  And when I wasn’t looking for the cat, I was checking on the dog.  I’m glad I left the backdoor open because about 5 hours after he ran out the door, he came sauntering back inside.

Fucking cat.  Yeah, he got locked upstairs.

I sat back down to continue to work on an application for a job a former mentor had recommended for me.  And it hit me.

tiredI am tired.

I thought at first that it was a physical tiredness. My fancy watch reminded me earlier that I had gotten a whole 5hrs of sleep last night.  So I got up and made myself more coffee.  A double shot of espresso didn’t touch the tired.

I realized my tired was deeper than just physical. It was in my bones – mental tired – emotional tired.  I’m sure some would point out that “mercury is in retrograde” while others will point to the upcoming full moon.  But it is more than just that.  I feel like the universe is out to remind me of all of the things I’m missing – the people – the comfort they brought to my life.  Add into that mix the people who seem to have a strong opinion about how I should approach things, what is right and what is wrong, things that are in conflict with who I am – and I’m just spending to much time fighting how I feel with how I’m expected to behave given those feelings.

Tired.

I tried taking a nap – hoping a reset would help.

Nope.

So I got up, made dinner so that DJ could eat before her new TKD class, and tried to keep out of my head.  I talked to G a bit about everything – I appreciate he listened without judgement.  He understood. He reminded me to be me and fuck the rest.

Then it happened.

Our elderly dog seemed to collapse onto the floor – then freaked out and tried to run and hide except his legs wouldn’t work.  Indigo finally grabbed him and helped him onto the couch.  His yelps of pain got everyone’s attention. DJ heard them upstairs and came down.  We all sat on the couch petting him, talking to him, asking if he was okay while G and I made plans to take him to the emergency vet hospital.

Our yellow lab who we all loved so very much had so many struggles towards the end of his life.  Even when we made the decision to end his pain, we worried we had waited too long.  We still worry about that.  This is not what we want for our elderly dog.

While G took him to the vet, I called them ahead to let them know he was coming, gave them a history, etc.  Then I got the rugby guys their stuff for practice. And got DJ ready for TKD.  All while waiting to hear what was going on.

brightsideIn the end, they did some blood work and all – determined there was something going on with the left side of his body while ruling out infection – and gave him drugs to go home.  And emergency vet visit with blood work and pain meds was $500.  They said he can see his vet tomorrow which will cost us less.  Right now, he’s happily sleepy on the couch.  Yay narcotics. (Yes, my dog is on narcotics that would probably be difficult for people to get if they needed it.)

Stick and fork in me – I’m done.

Tomorrow is another day.

 

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