It’s Messy

Nothing was on TV, and I was awake so I chose “Sleepless in Seattle” because it was on and I didn’t feeling like trying to find something on TIVO or Hulu.

I remember seeing it many MANY years ago.  The start of the movie made me cry then….

……but it made me really cry now….just for different reasons.

Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?

Sam Baldwin: Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

That dialog right there is something I think about daily.  While my situation is slightly different, the loss feels is raw.  The lose of best friend, of confidant, of love – that is raw – that is similar to the movie. It is gone – I cannot make it come back. All I can do is grieve.

Years ago, I read a quote by a woman who does a lot of classes and all about polyamory.  She observed that if you are monogamous and end a relationship, you get as much time as you need.  Friends and family understand your pain.  They hold off giving you the “plenty of fish in the sea” lecture.  They let you grieve.

But in polyamory – true polyamory where you find someone you connect with – you get attitude when the relationship ends.  Maybe it is because people don’t understand polyamory. They assume it isn’t the same as a “real relationship”.  Or they assume that it was less than a “true relationship” but the tolerance level for processing – for dealing with the pain – with working through the feelings – is pretty nil.  You’re poly – get over it already and find another partner.

I had a friend say to me today that it was OK I felt this not over it.  It was okay that I felt pain some days. She understood.

And I cried.

I feel like I vent online a lot but in my real life? I try to shut up. I feel like I should shut up. I feel like I should just move on – and because I cannot? I feel like I’m doing something wrong.  Am I looking backwards too much? Am I lingering in the past too much? I am not doing it right – the processing and all?

To have her say to me that I was doing it right – that it was all OK was what I needed to hear.

“Over 3 years together you had with him – you don’t just toss that aside and all.  I’ve been divorced for years – I hate my ex most of the time, but other time I still find myself mourning what is gone.”

I thanked her for saying that. I needed to hear it. I needed to be reminded of it.

It reminded me that processing shit isn’t linear.  You don’t go straight through the stages and hit the end of acceptance and moving on.  No. You go up and down and forward and backwards until you hit the end when you are ready. But society doesn’t support that idea – doesn’t support that theory, if you will.  Society wants it to be neat and clean and get to the end. I mean, polyamory isn’t real love, right – it should be easy to move through the pain.

But it is messy.

Love is messy.

Loss is messy.

I’m sick of trying to pretend it is not.

What do you think?