Feel The Burn

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This is the photo that inspired the title of this post.  It was midday when I went out to shoot this photo.  My computer was being fucked up, so I ran a malware / virus scanner and left for photos before picking up DJ from camp.  I set the orb on the picnic table, bent over to grab the camera out of the bag, lifted it to my eye, then freaked. The smoke did that for me. I picked up the orb, put it back in the bag, then noticed the burn mark that was under it.

Oops.

I walked around the table to look for a different shot.  I figured it was the orb plus the angle of the sun that caused it.  I found a new spot, put the orb back on the table, stood up, then grabbed the orb when the smoke started again.  Yes, another burn mark on the table.

“Ok,” I thought, “I’ll grab my tripod. It won’t burn – and all will be fine.”

Yeah, well, it will burn.  And it did burn. And there is melted plastic on my tripod.

But I got the shot, so …..win??

Today was an odd day.

The fact I kept trying to inadvertently light things on fire seemed to be a theme.  I felt like I was walking that edge between either lighting things on fire (figuratively) or accidently doing it (again figuratively).  When I hit a point in my life – in my activities – where I am fed up with feeling like shit or secondary – my inclination is to blow shit up (figuratively, not literally).

I know this is my MO.  I have a friend who used to laugh at me when I would get frustrated.  He would say, “honey, you are saying this because you are trying to blow shit up – and it’s not gonna work with me. Blow it up, and I’ll still be here.”  It was true.  He always was.  For that, I love him for it. He saw me when I didn’t want to see me – and he gave me what I needed.  That support even when my behavior may have told otherwise.  It caused me a lot of pause – it taught me a lot of things.  It was one of the few times in my life where someone loved me even when I was the most unlovable.  It was a nice change.

I wish he and I were still closer. I could use that today.

If fight or flight are the true choices in certain situations, I would like to know where “fight and burn shit to the ground” falls into play.  I try hard these days to be more conscious.  But there are times, like today, when I just want to say “fuck it” to everyone and take action to prove how I am and where I am.

Yeah, it’s not surprise why I have very few intimates.

 

I guess the upside of today is simple? I didn’t start the picnic table or anything else on fire.

I guess that would have really ruined my day.

What do you think?