This is the photo that inspired the title of this post. It was midday when I went out to shoot this photo. My computer was being fucked up, so I ran a malware / virus scanner and left for photos before picking up DJ from camp. I set the orb on the picnic table, bent over to grab the camera out of the bag, lifted it to my eye, then freaked. The smoke did that for me. I picked up the orb, put it back in the bag, then noticed the burn mark that was under it.
I walked around the table to look for a different shot. I figured it was the orb plus the angle of the sun that caused it. I found a new spot, put the orb back on the table, stood up, then grabbed the orb when the smoke started again. Yes, another burn mark on the table.
“Ok,” I thought, “I’ll grab my tripod. It won’t burn – and all will be fine.”
Yeah, well, it will burn. And it did burn. And there is melted plastic on my tripod.
But I got the shot, so …..win??
Today was an odd day.
The fact I kept trying to inadvertently light things on fire seemed to be a theme. I felt like I was walking that edge between either lighting things on fire (figuratively) or accidently doing it (again figuratively). When I hit a point in my life – in my activities – where I am fed up with feeling like shit or secondary – my inclination is to blow shit up (figuratively, not literally).
I know this is my MO. I have a friend who used to laugh at me when I would get frustrated. He would say, “honey, you are saying this because you are trying to blow shit up – and it’s not gonna work with me. Blow it up, and I’ll still be here.” It was true. He always was. For that, I love him for it. He saw me when I didn’t want to see me – and he gave me what I needed. That support even when my behavior may have told otherwise. It caused me a lot of pause – it taught me a lot of things. It was one of the few times in my life where someone loved me even when I was the most unlovable. It was a nice change.
I wish he and I were still closer. I could use that today.
If fight or flight are the true choices in certain situations, I would like to know where “fight and burn shit to the ground” falls into play. I try hard these days to be more conscious. But there are times, like today, when I just want to say “fuck it” to everyone and take action to prove how I am and where I am.
Yeah, it’s not surprise why I have very few intimates.
I guess the upside of today is simple? I didn’t start the picnic table or anything else on fire.
I guess that would have really ruined my day.