I hate not feeling well. I hate feeling caught between knowing I need / want to stay in bed all day to get well – and feeling like I’m just letting everyone in my life down by not being up and around doing things. Add into the mix the fact its Pride weekend, so an organization G is a part of is busy all weekend which means he is too. And this is the last weekend before G and Indigo go out of the country for a full week. This is just making me feel like this weekend is extra wasted by my being sick.
What I hate more is realizing that if I don’t get well before he goes, I will have to fight through feeling sick as I do the running around and all for DJ and the dogs and all. There really is no backstop for me during times like this. Just thinking about it makes me feel even more pressure to just ignore my body and push thought it.
And because I’m already feeling all of these things, it’s like my heart is going “oh, think about and feel all of these other things too”. I hate it when I feel like shit and its like my brain wants to examine all of the ways I’m feeling and should be feeling and have felt and all of that bullshit. Just makes everything feel worse – makes me feel worse.
I know I just need to let myself get better. Just ride the wave of not feeling well until it has passed. I need to let myself not be well while G is still here. Because I know when he’s gone, I won’t sleep well on to of everything else. And that won’t help me either.
Yeah, I’m babbling. It’s where my head is at right now.
I just need to go to sleep. Or try.
I’ll leave you with this:
(And you’re welcome for the ear-worm.)