Still Awake


I don’t think I’m meant to sleep anymore.

I can be exhausted. I lay down in bed, snuggled amongst my pillows and teddy bear and comforter, and close my eyes.

Only to have them pop wide open again.

So I read.  I read something I’ve read 8 million times so that I am not tempted to stay up all night to find out what happens.  My eyes will start closing but then it’s like they pop wide open again.

Sometimes I will listen to a Harry Potter audiobook so that I can lay there with my eyes closed encouraging sleep.


Sometimes I will put on a show or movie I’ve seen a billion times only to have me drift off to sleep and wake up again.

I’ll get up, get some water, go to the bathroom, and do whatever else may that may cause me to wake up when I do go to sleep.  Doesn’t matter.

When I finally do drift to sleep, I find myself having dreams of conversations with people I have not been able to speak with during my awake life.  Great conversations – conversation I wish we could really have.  Or I’ll find people coming into my dreams (I’m a lucid dreamer) only to give me what I need to keep me safe.  It is so sweet and weird and doesn’t help my sleeplessness as I wake up and wish for the dreams but I can’t get there to have them.

So I’m trying not to force the sleep.  I’m trying not to sleep in too long in the morning.  I’m trying to stay busy.

Last night, I installed the latest version of Lightroom – the software I use for my photography.  I finally buckled and bought the subscription – my only option now that Adobe has changed their licensing.  (The fuckers.)  Though, the upside is I got Photoshop too – though I’m not one who uses Photoshop, so…..we shall see if it’s really that good of deal.

Tonight, I went through the face recognition that ran in my photo library last night – all 56,000 photos in that library were reviewed with 2300 photos tagged (I’m not thinking the count is right – but who knows.)  While it did a decent job tagging people (after I gave it the start of who is who), the fact my kids look very much like my family and G’s family meant I had to fix a shitload of photos.  I am impressed at how many faces it picks up — even background people, faces in paintings, faces in sculpture, and faces in textures of anything.  It’s crazy.  The downside of this exercise: too many feels as I look through all of the photos and remember the moments that brought me them- makes me happy but sad too. Sigh.

I’ve been doing those things while watching crappy TV (again – nothing interesting me enough to keep me up).

Yeah, so far, not working.

What do you think?

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