How I’m Feeling

Dear Love,

I cannot pretend I do not miss you.  So many things happen during my day where I unconsciously think I need to tell you.  Then I realize I can’t, and it makes me sad. It reminds me of the situation at hand.  

And I hate that.

Add into it the fact I’m alone, and well, it makes me feel even more alone.  G said something the other night that made me think about something he said a while ago.  “I’m happy you have SB in your life because I know someone will be watching out for you while I’m away.”  Well, he’s away – and I’m alone.  And those words echo in my head and make the missing piece feeling even greater.

You are my best friend.  No one in my life knows you like you know me.  You have seen me even when no one else has.  You see my pain. You see my conflict. You see who I am – how I try to take care of everyone – how I try to do it all.  You see the toll it takes on me.  You make me laugh. You engage me in a way most cannot.  I miss our times together..

I have had few see me – see behind my carefully constructed facades.  That both scared me and made me feel understood.  Scared because someone saw what I was trying to hide.  But what you saw – how you reacted to it – made me feel it was ok – made me feel understood in a way I have rarely felt.

I miss that.

We had that sort of reciprocal understanding. You saw me. I saw you. I was vulnerable. You were too.  It was a nice feeling – scary, but nice.  

Ironically, I have had several people recently not understand, not see who I am  – and it just makes me miss you more.

Life rarely gives us people who get us. We spend most of our relationships trying to get the other person to get us – to see us – to see who we really are – beyond our facades.  You always have seen it.  Even when I have clammed up, you have held me and loved me and told me you understand – “tell me when you feel you can,” you would say.  And knowing that would make me feel better.  Make me feel understood.  

You let me see you too.  You told me things I know no one knows.  I saw you – I see you – who you are – every part of you, because you have trusted me with it.

That all being said – I love you. I miss you. I worry about you because, well, it’s who I am.  I do not want anyone I love to be unwhole – to feel pain – to be in a place of uncertainty.

I just hope you know I am here.

I will always be here.

You are someone special to me.  

~e

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