I’ve been consolidating my photographs. When you consider yourself a photographer, you find you have a lot of photographs. And when I have had a blog associated with two different people, you find you have photographs all over the place.
The good news is that they are secure. Once I moved this blog from one persona to another, I disconnected myself from the real one. Thank goodness given today’s day and age. But when I went to the old one, I found photos that almost made me cry?
Because I was on a fitness and weight loss journey – then I got hurt which forced me to stop a lot of things. And then there is me now. And then compared to now…..sigh…..
I recently, with the help of my chiro, figured out the injury. But it has been 6 years now – SIX…..since that happened. It took a combination of things before he and I both figured out what he issue was. I’m happy now. I love that I can go to him, say X hurts, and he knows what to fix. But…fuck….but…..50 lbs later……is the truth.
I am not that girl I keep finding photos of.
What makes it all worse is the fact my girls are now old enough to really observe things They are old enough to make connections. So while my youngest, for example, struggles with finding her strength – her endurance – her place in fitness……I’m not a good example. In fact, I’m the opposite. I used to run 4- 6 miles day out of survival. Today, I’m happy if I can keep up with her.
And it sucks.
On top of it, I don’t recognize that woman. That woman was secure. That woman was self secure. That woman didn’t care about anyone or anything – I had the world by it’s balls and that was awesome.
Today, that’s not me.
Today, I struggle with sickness. I struggle with weight. I struggle with how I feel vs how I look. Today, I wish I had now gotten hurt. I wish my mentality had not changed. I wish I was still that 135 lbs woman I was many year ago. I wish I was that self assured.
But that is not me.
I am not her.
In the past, I would have side, “oh, I can do X, Y, and Z – and it will get there again.”
and while that is true….
my head is not matching the rest of me…..
…..and, sigh….yeah, here I am.
Because no matter how much I’m loved, I am not the skinny girl,
I am not the flexibly, lean girl….
I am only me…..
With a belly….
….and big boobs…..
…..and a wish to have things different but with a body that doesn’t cooperate the way it did 5 years ago…..
…..I just wish I didn’t feel what I did when I see those photos…
….I wish I was the dream….
but I’m not….
I’m only me….