She was this amazing woman who just seeing her made you smile. Her energy was amazing – that soothing kind that seemed to put you in a good place just because of her presence. She was always upbeat and happy – but not in that annoying happy way. She was always genuine. She was always talking about her son. She was always eager to help. She was always just her – a god-fearing woman who just wanted people to be in a good place so she was willing to help however she could. I remember when she was fighting cancer 18 months ago, she confided in me that she had kept the whole fight a secret. She never missed a day of work during all of her chemo and radiation. She was trying to make sure no one was brought down by it. I scolded her and said we only would have wanted to lift her up.
The older I get, I know more and more people are going to pass from my life as there time with us comes to an end. But I hate having to think about how this person “was” instead of “is”. A minor grammatical change to the past tense to mark their passing from the present.
Today, a woman I have been blessed to work with for the past several years passed, a month after being diagnosed with another form of cancer. Everyone thought she could beat it including the doctors. But, as I have learned this morning, she had fought in her life many different cancers and won. Can’t help but wonder if this was just the one making her realize how worn out she was from fighting. That happens. So this morning has been talking about how wonder of a woman she was.
And when this happens, I can’t help but start going through my mental list of people I am not ready to talk past tense about. With each names comes a silent plea to the universe to keep them in my life a bit longer -I’m not ready for them to be the next person…..I still need them. I know the inevitable is just that …inevitable. But I still do it on some level.
Rarely is one ready for the “was”.
Hell, I never am even when I should be. All I can do is remember that this person was a good person in my life – my life was better for knowing her – and even though she is gone, I will always think fondly of my time with her. That part will never be a “was”.