Periods of time like the last couple of weeks remind me why I am not a writer.
There are times when the words flow out of me and onto the page in a way that is as natural as breathing. Then there are times, like lately, where the thoughts are there but the words and the prose are not. I feel like I’m forcing it into a post that is not my voice or without a point or just not smooth in how it reads.
If I were a writer getting paid for writing things, I would be screwed. Though, I’m sure my brother, who is a writer, would tell me you figure out how to make the words come when you need them.
Sadly, I have not.
Instead, I have about a dozen blog posts started. A number of them ended up being more of me figuring shit out from my past – realizing exactly what situations or how situations became fucked up. Others are just random responses to things I’ve read.
None are finished.
Maybe it’s the fact last week saw the flame of so many go out – both famous and not-so-famous. And while that is how the wheel of life turns – just seemed to be a week where every time I turned around, it was just one more person. Just sort of wears on you over time.
Then I’ve had work – this looming date of when the company is officially acquired by another company. The rumor mill is overshadowing the information leadership is sharing. I know it is human nature for people to try to make sense of chaos and uncertainty, but damn. To have leadership say, point blank, the new company really wants to keep an office in this location — only to have people say an hour later that they have heard they are closing this office. It’s really maddening. I have had more conversations than I care to consider with people reacting off of the rumor mill and demanding as we talk that I get as riled up about it as they are. I still have four projects that need to get done regardless of the acquisition. I still have work to do. Trying to do it while navigating the negativity and all is, uhm…. wow! And doing it all while my boss is disengaged because he doesn’t know who to kiss up to. (Mean? Maybe. Truth? YES!)
And at home, G and I are aligning for a big talk with our friend who has been living with us for the past couple of years. This person lived with us in the past without issues. Seriously. It was a joy having him there. He was working full-time, enjoying life, helping out, and being family, if you will. This time – it’s a while different ballgame. We have tried to be supportive – we have given him feedback on things that are getting in his way. But at the end of the day, he wants what he wants – and fuck everyone else. He has spent the past 9 months chasing his dream job. When he caught it the first time, he didn’t get through the training. He was seriously 1 day from being done when he was dismissed. He caught it again almost 2 months ago. Training was supposed to start after the new year. When we learned when he was leaving, we talked about making that room into my photo room so my printer and supplies had a home. Right now, they wander throughout the house (except the 100 lb printer). We just found out maybe a week ago that he isn’t starting training until “sometime in March”. This was after G pestered him to find out. Last night, G and I were talking about a trip he and DJ are taking in late March. I was teasing him about how he booked it fucking with a night I’ve had on the calendar for months. As we were going back and forth about that, our friend piped up “oh, I’ll be here to help” to which immediately pointed out that he will be in training in March. A side comment under his breath of “well, we’ll see” was made as he got up and walked out the door. G had been talking at the time, so I wasn’t sure if I heard it wrong or what. G heard the same thing. Needless to say, date night tonight may become “align our strategy for how we’re handing things with him” night instead. I know G has talked to him about it most recently – so I just want to make sure he and I are on the same page going forward.
God, I feel like I’m dealing with an adult child. Though as someone reminded me, if he was my kid, we wouldn’t be having these problems. Good point.
So that’s what has been bouncing around my brain. I’m just happy for periods of time in my life where I am with the right people who bring peace and calm instead of chaos and negativity. Allows me to exhale a bit before I am thrust back into things.
And hopefully, it will allow me to write again….and be inspired to take photos….instead of neglecting these things because I can’t get my brain in the right place to do them.