Silencing the Voices

“You are gorgeous. You are erotic. You are worth it.”

I don’t recall if those were his exact words, but it doesn’t matter. He said something similar.

He also said that he knew others had told me otherwise – made me feel otherwise – but that was bullshit – that was not me.

I tried to hide my tears.

I won’t go into my truth right now – the things I experienced when I first realized I was polyamorous.  All I will say is that it was fucked up and wrong and really fucked up. It was a great example, in retrospect, of what a relationship – poly or mono -should NOT be.   But it was.  And it fucked with me – changed my inner dialog as it played into my fears & insecurities.  I spend a lot of time now trying not to react but instead take into the consideration the messengers instead of the message. Or at least give the messenger more credence.

Hearing his words as I’m bent over his bed – his fingers inside of me – his mouth near my neck…….

I felt like I was bookshelved between two people I love – two people who believe what the others did not.  I felt propped up – felt compelled to believe in a way I have not in a long time.  I realized I have two men in my life who knows my weaknesses and instead of preying upon them, they prop me up – making me stronger against those who would try to exploit them – against my past – against those who didn’t see me as I am but used me to their gain.

“I know” were the words I spoke.

“Do you? Do you really know?” he challenged.

“I do.”

I do because I feel the love from both of them. They know me – they see me – they love me even when I’m not feeling lovable.  That power – that “seeing” is healing.  I reminds me of what I know – what I think of me.  And it shuts down those voices that tell me otherwise.

And for that, I am grateful…….

…….for I am loved.

…..for I am seen.

And for that – I am thankful.

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