I was having an indifferent day. Not good – not bad. Just sorta there. I had moments that made me smile. Text messages with SB. A funny interaction with a cohort. Celebrating with another cohort his family’s move into their house where he got to sit on his back porch and watch the sunset.
It was a quiet day – a bit quieter than I prefer. But I’ll take that over crazy any day. I had some good conversations but also some that led to me rolling my eyes at the stupid or the self absorbed.
I was just discussing with my cohort that I should just leave for the day. He was considering it himself, so was encouraging me to do the same, when a guy I have had to work with came marching up to my cubicle. Given he does not talk to me, I knew this couldn’t be good.
He immediately launched into all the reasons I’m not doing what I was told to do. “What?” I asked him. This fucker is always riding my ass when he has a chance – he does so out of his need to make sure no one notices he is incompetent. I wish I could say that was hyperbole, but it is not. He was hired as this superman who people expected to do all of these wonderful things because he was both a project manager and a technical guy. Sadly he has proven to be bad at both – but in the true company form, we fire no one – not even contractors. This guy would go after me anytime he could because it was his way of distracting the attention away from him. At one point, I emailed my boss then followed up with a conversation that I was sick of everyone of higher rank sitting there letting him do that to me while afterwards telling me how fucked up it was. I then told him that if it happened again, I would get up and leave the meeting as I was done sitting there.
So, he came up and started telling me I wasn’t doing my job. When I asked him specific questions about what he was trying to do, he avoided answering the question and just got mad I would do what he wanted me to do. Because, you know, it’s truly compelling to have someone come up and demand shit from you in an overly aggressive way. He stormed away – and my cohort was like “what an ass!” I tried calling my boss and IMing him – but he was not responding. So I left.
And in that moment, I realized how I had been walking an emotional edge all day long. I looked forward to coming home and doing some self care – do something that wasn’t stressful – wasn’t running around – was just relaxing.
Then I came home to Indigo needing to go to an event for the group she belongs to.
Then I discovered we had no food in the house for dinner.
Then I remembered that G had rugby practice tonight – after he got back from an afternoon meeting with a friend and his girlfriend.
And my calm evening flew out the window.
I was now running a kid to and from an event.
I was now going to the store and making dinner for the kids.
I was tired. I was emotionally dropping after a good day yesterday and good evening Saturday. And I couldn’t take the time for me.
There is a quote that you can pour from an empty vessel. A reminder to make sure you are good before taking care of others. But sometimes, sometimes you have no choice but to power through taking care of others. It’s your only option. And I try hard not to look to tomorrow and think about all of the meetings I have – how I’ll barely have time to grab lunch before they start again in the afternoon. How I will need to take DJ to TKD after work. How it will be another crazy day.
I hope at some point tomorrow that I can refill my own tank. I hope I can take the time.
Because I need it.