I am always the first person to admit that being mom is not a name I ever planned on having. In all areas of my life and my plans, it just was never there. It was never because I felt like kids were too much work or that I had no maternal instincts. Quite the opposite. I loved kids. I had quite the babysitting business before I turned 16. And my favorite jobs were with the babies – rocking them in a quiet house – cuddling their warm bodies as they napped. There was something meditative about babysitting them. The walking the floor, bouncing a tired baby who is crying — rocking the baby during a feeding. It was all just natural.
And the older kids – I loved them. Reading them books. Being the villain to their hero during play. Coloring and playing with playdough. Making up things to make them feel better when there was a fear over a monster in the closet or under the bed. It was a time to just be a kid with the kid. How can someone not enjoy that!
But none of it made me go “and I’m going to have 12 of them – I love kids so much!!”
Just wasn’t in my vision of my life.
A year before I got pregnant with DJ, someone had asked G if we were ever going to have kids. “Yep, we’ll start trying in a year,” he announced.
HUH?! We had never discussed this plan. WTF?!?
A year later, I was pregnant.
I still have many moments where I look at both of my girls and wonder “when the fuck did I become mom?”
Today, I had a mom moment.
My nearly-16 yr old daughter texted me at lunch. “What is wrong with me – I’m so exhausted that my only motivation is to get through my day?” We exchanged some texts about it. Then she came home after school, and she was wilted. Her voice was even tired.
And I pulled the mom card.
“Go call taekwondo – tell them you have a test you have to study for. You are staying home and going to bed early.”
She felt guilty and looked conflicted.
“Kid, if you are not rested, you are going to get sick – you won’t be able to do anything. And you won’t be able to do anything well – including taekwondo. And really, I don’t care – you aren’t going. It’s not your choice.”
She looked relieved. Did what I asked. Then went up to her room.
I suspect she’s asleep.
I don’t care. As long as she is well.
or Moe, in my case.
Still a title I am not used to – even 16 years later.
But a title that makes me smile when I look at these kids I have made.
How did that happen?!?