I hate today.
I have been seriously looking forward to tonight for a week – when SB and I could reconnect and be together, curled up on his couch, sipping good alcohol, then wrapping around each other in his bed. It has been the bright point in my week all week.
Then I woke up in a fog. My head hurt – my body hurt – I felt fuzzy. I wondered aloud to G how my beers the night before could be responsible. And he figured I just didn’t sleep well – told me to get some coffee – and all would be well.
Except it wasn’t.
I tried to push through. I really did. But it wasn’t working.
I felt fuzzy and my head hurt and my body hurt and the caffeine and Advil weren’t helping – and I was frustrated at the prospect that something more could be wrong. G told me to go sleep – “Maybe you need more,” he suggested. So I went back to bed.
And couldn’t get comfortable. Felt hot, felt cold – hurt – was annoyed – and was frustrated by the whole situation – the whole prospect that I was not in a state to see him – SB.
No matter what I did – how long I slept – I was not in the state to be out of the house. I was finding myself reacting to things in ways that was not typical – not healthy – and I realized I just need to stay where I’m at.
And I fucking hated that –
Because I miss my Daddy – miss my love – miss the man who quiets my brain when nothing else can.
I miss him because I love him so very VERY much.
I know that I cannot help the position I find myself in – feeling like shit, not wanting to get him sick, not wanting to be the crazy minded sick person that I am feeling.
But it doesn’t make me miss him less – just makes me hate this more.