I’ve been feeling like a bad blogger recently. I do Motivational Monday quite consistently – but that’s about it. I have many MANY started blogs – but when I go back to finish them, I can’t help but feel like I want to keep some of those thoughts to myself as I wrote them to get the words out – not necessarily to shout them into the ether.
Amanda Palmer wrote a blog on her Patreon page today that really resonated with me. In the blog, she bemoaned the fact so much about blogging has changed, so very much. How many people have left it – and others have evolved it into more of a business where you worry about clicks and web stats and creating viral content. She bemoaned the fact people have gone to platforms like Twitter – which has its own merits but isn’t the same.
And her words rang true with my own experience.
There once was this wonderful land of bloggers – where people left comments – and interacted in emails – and where bad times were met with lots of support from people all over the place. It was like this tribe of strangers who would spend an hour each morning visiting each other over coffee to see how life was going or hear the latest tale. Many friendships were made that way – friendships I still have. Friendships that have shifted more to Facebook or Twitter or both – and friends who we still try to meet when in the same area at the same time.
I think the big downside that this shift has created is in terms of how we interact now. It’s easier to hit the Heart icon on a Tweet or the Like button on a Facebook post. I’m just as guilty of it myself. Interactions are quick – hitting both has replaced the comments of “I hear what you are saying” or “that’s great”. It’s not unsurprising, but while reading some of Amanda’s observations, I couldn’t help look back at my own experience.
I know how life evolves. I know how having a blog fills a need someone has to write and be heard. And, like Amanda comments, when life changes in good ways, attentions shifts too – shifts to the person sitting next to you – or the kids – or just life. I guess that’s why there are times when I feel like a bad blogger. I don’t just want my shouts into the ether occurring at predictable moments – like when work sucks, etc. Yet, sometimes there are aspects of life that I want to protect from the outside. It’s like they are too precious or intimate to share with the world. Layer those feelings on top of a crazy life stuff – and sometimes I say nothing or no time to say it.
But here is the reality for me. Life is fucking good.
Sure, work has been a fucked up mess – and continues to be at the moment. But nothing else in my life is. I have two amazing kids. Kids that make me wonder “how the fuck did I do it” when they do the things I had always hoped they would do – at least in their responses to people and all. DJ is rocking high school – doing so well in TKD that she is will test for her 3rd degree black belt this spring or summer – doing so well in her outdoor survival school that she is a shoe-in for being hired this summer. Fuck, on Thursday, I had 2 newly-earned black belts tell me that she is one that impresses and inspires the hell out of them. And several parents of newly-earned 2nd degrees that were like “yeah, my daughter saw her during XYZ testing, and she was like I’m going to do that!” How can a Moe not feel good about what I’ve done.
And Indigo. Indigo found her sport – volleyball. She worked her ass off and did pretty damn good despite her lack of experience. Many games this season, she was the one scoring all of the points while others gave them away. She is also compassionate. Indigo is in a girls group with other teens and pre-teen girls where drama is the known factor. And she doesn’t do it – she will try to help them fix it, but when they don’t – she shrugs and walks away. People tell me constantly how impressed they are with how she is. When I gave her their feedback, she responded with “Moe, if I acted like that, I know you would not be happy because you did not teach us to treat people like that – so of course, I would never act like that!” Even tonight at her birthday party with friends, she had a friend whose family has very little so she could only give a note and $5. The kid was nervous as presents were being opened. She finally handed Indigo her gift – and Indigo exclaimed that it was wonderful – how did she know she would love it?! She made this girl who was feeling insecure and self conscious feel like she had given Indigo the greatest gift ever. That is my kid.
Then there is G. Things haven’t been the best over the past couple years, but I had this realization the other day – that things are getting back to a good place with us. It is easy for us to go our own way with kid activities and such to take us different directions. But I’m happy he has found his own things that feed him. Fuck – everyone needs their own thing that feeds them mind and soul — it can’t be a person. He has his fraternal organization – he now is getting back into rugby. He has had his comics. And most recently his new gf who I like a lot (even though our interactions have been few). I like he is finding balance and all. Balance is good.
And SB – my other partner. We joked a couple of years ago now about a comment someone had made. They were commenting that we needed a word for what follows NRE – when NRE ends. We both looked at each other and chuckled and wondered aloud when NRE was supposed to end. What is that word for post-NRE? If you are lucky, it is intimacy. Intimacy is what I feel with SB. Intimacy and love and safety to be who I am. Intimacy allows you to be who you are without worrying about a negative response. And that is how I feel. If I am with him telling him about my frustrations which results in tears running how my face, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t think of me as any less strong – he just understands. And visa versa. We see each other -not with the mask we may put on in public – but for who we are. I love that – for so many fucking reasons I love that. Polyamory is far from easy sometimes because, like blogging, kid things can take you for unexpected rides. There are times (like now) that I miss him like mad – but I only miss him because I love him – love him for all that his is.
Even my mom’s health issues are minimized these days. Facebook Memories reminded me that it was 3 years ago when she was sick the first time – and 2 years ago when she almost died. I honestly have no idea how I got through that all. All I know is that I had to get through it all. Even though my brothers were so freaked out by it all – I knew I had to deal with that another time. Right then, right in that moment – I had to be there for her and my dad. It was all that mattered. I once asked my dad if he ever got frustrated that he was the only child who ever handled his father’s health issues. I think it was after one of the many middle-of-the-night phone calls my grandfather was forced to make because things were not good. My dad said simply that if my grandpa were to ever pass, that he would look back and know he did everything he could to make his final years good – make sure he was taken care of. His brothers would not be able to do that – and that was theirs to live with. He would be sad but have no regrets – they would likely not feel the same. I guess I felt the same way. If my mom would pass, I would want to know I did everything I could – not let fear of the possibility keep me away. I’m just happy that has not been the case – for her or my dad.
So that’s where I am – that’s what is happening. No real stories. I guess I could post pics of my pitbull who entertains the fuck out of me. Or the old-man dog who I’m happy just gets up when I come into the house.
But at the end of the day – this blogging thing, for me, is cathartic. Blogging allows me to say what I feel in my head and heart without a filter when I feel like I need that. I may put the filter on at times – but I need to do that less maybe.
Blogging does feed me. Maybe I need to carve out some time – like I do for my photography – to do it more.