Out of Whack

My biggest challenge as someone who identifies as polyamorous is keeping my love whole while keeping my other love – and myself – whole.

I think sometimes that people who are polyamorous are looked at as people who have it all together. And some days, I feel I do.  And some days, I feel like a circus clown, juggling a lot of balls in the air – trying to make it look easy, while struggling with catching them all – and meanwhile, inside, I’m worried I am doing no one any good.

Yeah. That.

And on top of worrying about others, I’m not feeling whole myself.  And I start to wonder if I can ever find the balance – that critical point where everyone is happy – everyone is whole – including me….I feel sometimes like that is my Everest.  And wish for a sherpa of my own.

I am out of balance right now.

I am trying to be self aware enough that I feel it, and see it, and acknowledge it – instead of feel guilty and stupid that I’m feeling that way.  But I was told early on in my polyamorous realizations that to feel out of balance was stupid.  What about G? What about my other partner? How can I feel this way without considering how they were feeling? And how dare I put my own needs ahead of their’s?  I will never say my early poly experiences were healthy in terms of what I was told  – but I will also not say they have entirely gone away.  I will always feel stupid for feeling out of balance. Even if  balance is found by others. I will always feel like I’m short changing people – and like I can’t say anything about how I’m feeling….

….even now.

I will always feel like I shouldn’t feel as I do.

I will always worry about my partners.

I will always feel like I’m short changing someone.

Call it the monogamy programming.

Nah – I call it who I am.  A person who tries to make everyone whole before me. And who, when I fail, feels major failure……like I deserve no one or nothing.

I just want everyone to be happy.

That’s all.

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