My biggest challenge as someone who identifies as polyamorous is keeping my love whole while keeping my other love – and myself – whole.
I think sometimes that people who are polyamorous are looked at as people who have it all together. And some days, I feel I do. And some days, I feel like a circus clown, juggling a lot of balls in the air – trying to make it look easy, while struggling with catching them all – and meanwhile, inside, I’m worried I am doing no one any good.
And on top of worrying about others, I’m not feeling whole myself. And I start to wonder if I can ever find the balance – that critical point where everyone is happy – everyone is whole – including me….I feel sometimes like that is my Everest. And wish for a sherpa of my own.
I am out of balance right now.
I am trying to be self aware enough that I feel it, and see it, and acknowledge it – instead of feel guilty and stupid that I’m feeling that way. But I was told early on in my polyamorous realizations that to feel out of balance was stupid. What about G? What about my other partner? How can I feel this way without considering how they were feeling? And how dare I put my own needs ahead of their’s? I will never say my early poly experiences were healthy in terms of what I was told – but I will also not say they have entirely gone away. I will always feel stupid for feeling out of balance. Even if balance is found by others. I will always feel like I’m short changing people – and like I can’t say anything about how I’m feeling….
I will always feel like I shouldn’t feel as I do.
I will always worry about my partners.
I will always feel like I’m short changing someone.
Call it the monogamy programming.
Nah – I call it who I am. A person who tries to make everyone whole before me. And who, when I fail, feels major failure……like I deserve no one or nothing.
I just want everyone to be happy.