I admit it – I have not been getting enough sleep this week. The first week back to school for the family combined with the new activities, new stresses, and new schedules has all wrecked my sleep.
I admit the sleep thing just like I’m going to admit the PMS thing just to lay it own the table as factors that probably have contributed to my annoyance with people.
Just like I should admit the fact I pick up on negativity of others too often and can’t shed it sometimes. Add into that some fun work stress and it’s really no wonder….
I’ve exceeded my people tolerance limit for the week.
Rarely do I dream in a way that I wake up remembering the dream, but last night I did – one dream and all I recall is looking in a mirror at my face and finding the strangest bruises on my cheek and jaw on the left side. All images I discovered that represent holding back what you want to say, repressing how you’re truly feeling, not happy with the persona I’m putting forth in the world, stress…..it’s crazy how the bruise, seeing my own face, my jaw and even the fact it was on my left – all point to the same thing.
Because truly, I have been holding back and trying to stomp down my feelings about things this week.
For example, I resisted the urge to tell off a friend who, after begging me for a ride into the city for an appointment, just wasn’t there without any explanation. 20 minutes past the agreed upon time as I’m walking to work, late, he pings me…..”btw: found my own way”. I resisted the urge to respond with “WTF? Texting just work now, did it? I waited some extra time and made myself late for work. Thanks for being inconsiderate! And next time you consider asking, the answer is just NO – so skip asking me.” Nope. Instead, I decided to forgo the angry response back – and put the phone back in my pocket.
Or another friend who is an educator and asked how things were going for school this year. I commented about the girls, then told her about G’s last minute teaching assignment change (12hrs before school started) & how the district then decided he was not qualified to teach this subject – a subject he has taught for 5+ years. I figured she’d respond with “damn administration and their bullshit lost paperwork” or something of the like. Instead, it was a rant about how if he’s not qualified to teach the subject, they should never have assigned him to teach it & found someone qualified. The language used was almost like G was trying to take the job away from someone qualified. I started to respond, then took a step back and tried to remember that she has had issues finding a full-time position – qualification is something she’s touchy about – then corrected her bad assumption that G was not qualified. He is and was qualified to teach what he is to teach. HR just fucked up their system. Note to self: don’t answer the “how’s school question about G with anything less than the word fine.”
Or the person on my project team who was trying to act like the “lead” for all things IT but fucked it up – repeatedly. While I know her boss is now involved, each time she opens her mouth about things she does not understand but is acting like she does, I want to say “this really is outside of the scope of your job – shut up.” But that would be unprofessional. So instead I let her talk – then let others try to deal with her.
And I won’t go into all the shit hitting me through social media and the media, in general. The “Unfollow” feature on Facebook has been a god-send as I unfollow friends and family who only want to litter my Facebook feed with untruths, negative messages, items that only start debates that degenerate into horrible personal attacks that would never happen in real life but only seem to happen when people get behind a keyboard, and the people who must state their opinion but whose opinions are not based in fact making them interesting but wrong.
I have taken holding my tongue to levels where I’m starting to wonder if it is unhealthy. But then I look at those who need the tongue-lashing and realize it wouldn’t make a bit of difference if I said anything.
I guess I need to find an outlet for getting it out instead of holding it it.
Until then, I need to respect the fact my people interaction quota has been exceeded – and put myself in time-out.
(and reschedule meetings with annoying people so that I don’t say something that will cause me to lose my job and/or result in arrest. I promised SB that the only handcuffs I will wear are his. And I promised G to not get fired from my job until we agree upon the backup plan.)