Damaging My Calm

calm

It’s rarely a good day when quotes from Jayne from Firefly are going through your head during a meeting.

I am continually amazed at how people don’t see that keeping hidden agendas prevents people from cooperating and, in the end, keep everyone from being successful.  I know I shouldn’t be surprised at this point, but damn.  When will people learn?  And I’m not just talking about work – I’m talking about any organization or community where people can only achieve a common thing if they work together.

Oh well – I think my boss should have just been thankful that I wasn’t armed – like Jayne would have been.

Actually he was happy I was standing where I was because it allowed him to make faces at me without getting into trouble.

A “friend” also damaged my calm today.  I hate using the quotation marks around the word friends but she really doesn’t understand friendship.  Last week, she pinged me while I was working asking how things were going. When I told her, she immediately responded with “at least your day isn’t going as slowly as mine”.  That is her MO (modus operandi) – ask how things are going, then immediately respond about how it’s not as bad as her life or day. Always.

Today, we were back to her favorite topic HSV.  She has HSV 2.  She has been positive for several years.  And like most who get diagnosed, she has struggled with the changes it forces into your life. Not the health changes of taking the anti-virals each day and the occasional outbreak, but how it forces her to change her dating / hook-up habits.  She has to disclose it.  She has to educate.  She takes the risk of rejection solely due to the virus she has – not her.  And that’s been hard on her.  I get it.  As I’ve written before about G’s experience with it, it’s the psychologic fuck that gets you in the end – not the virus itself.  A lot of time and effort has been spent on getting the public to fear a virus that goes back to the days of Rome.  (Yeah, that’s been discovered that.)  It sucks but it is what it is.  Your choice is to either not disclose or disclose & get rejected.

At one point today, she comments she does not understand how anyone can go on a date then disclose later.  That’s stupid and shouldn’t work – why does it for others.  I kinda jumped down her throat because G and even I have done just that – made sure there was a worthy person before disclosing. Why disclose and go thru brutal rejection from someone who there is no chemistry with?  “Here is the difference,” I explained, “you are hating the fact that in order to get laid you have to date vs look for the single hook-up – and you hate that your sense of obligation to disclose is greater than your desire to hide it……you have to change.  If you don’t change what you’re looking for, then embrace celibacy because that’s all you’re likely going to get.”

She admitted that the issue isn’t HSV but the fact that HSV forces her to come face-to-face with her issues with men – issues with relationships – issues with trusting people.  Then went on to whine about not wanting to change.

“Then say good-bye to sex….because that’s where you are.”

Yeah, she was damaging my calm.

Mainly because of her “you don’t understand” comments….honey, I do understand – and I don’t even have HSV 2 – I’m married to someone who has it so I get to disclose too. Weeeeeee.

But you know what restores my calm?

Thinking back to conversations with SB on Friday night and Saturday – and realizing how fucking loved I am – how much support I have. And feeling it even when we are apart.

Having G look at me tonight and say “I’m handing TKD – you need to not be doing that tonight – you need to exhale with a beer. I’ve got this.” Then kissing me as he goes to take DJ to TKD.

Being met with an awesome contractor who just finished redoing our roof.  He got it done early. He got it done cheaper than expected. He was just as thrilled as I was with how it looked.  Having him greet me as I got out of the car – check in to make sure I was happy with their work – then tell me how much he loves my pitbull (he has 3 himself and a 3 year old daughter).  What a way to come home  – not to someone wanting a business interaction but someone who is acting as though I have just entered his family for the next 25 years.  Kind of a good feeling that we chose the right guy – the right crew.

Looking at the calendar and realize I have a true 1-week vacation in 12 days or 8 working days.  And several of those days are going to be spent at my favorite place – with one of my favorite people. Ahhhh.

Getting an email from DJ’s TKD school inviting her to be part of an elite demo team they are assembling.  She got chosen to be part of it from one of her peers – a 3rd degree black belt who is an instructor & that is doing TKD as his second martial art.  As G and I told her, honestly, she should try to make it work because it’ll be good on a college application.

Talking to DJ and finding out she is seriously considering the naval academy.  Why is that something that makes me happy? Because she would do amazing at a naval academy.  She is academically solid, she is physically strong, and she has more leadership capabilities than some adults I now.  And she’s just getting started.  Even she knows that.  When we got back from Annapolis, more news of military crimes was surfacing – mainly soldiers raping girls.  She was bothered by it – now she looks at it and acknowledges that if she goes this route – she will be a leader – and even could influence change.  Yeah, she likes that idea.  My kid – definitely.

Knowing that Indigo is having a great time at horse camp.  Why do I know? She has been working a friend’s horse for the last couple of months now.  She has found a place where she can be Indigo while being dominate.  Sounds weird but she cannot always do both. As our dog Maggie would walks all over her.  I keep checking the camp’s facebook page in hopes of seeing her smiling face on her horse for the week.  I know it will be a big old grin.

Learning that the old, OLD family clock has been reinstalled in the house.  And hearing it chime every 15 minutes.  There is something comforting about it – something that reminds me always of grandparents – mine and G’s – even though the clock belonged to G’s grandparents.  It’s a nice sounds – a nice things.  And even nicer? Knowing tonight, when it is time to sleep, that our doors in our house, when shut, will keep it from waking us at night.  Yeah – that’s good too.

It’s funny how the universe tends to balance things – if you look for the balance.

Yeah, I could have focused on the shitty part of my day.

But today – today, I am happy to look to the good. To the things that don’t damage my calm.

 

What do you think?