I never come home feeling like I’ve had enough time with him.
I guess it’s the way most people feel when they have a person in their life that calms their soul – who creates such an amazing state of relaxation that they feel they have slept for the first time in months – who can drop their guard and you your’s and bask in the bliss.
Knowing all of this though – knowing that I’m sure I’m not alone in this feeling -well, it doesn’t stop the sadness – the inevitable feeling that the time is way too short and it sucks and life isn’t fair because why can’t you have everyone you love close to you at all times.
I am trying to focus on all of the wonderful things that happened.
I’m trying to focus on the moment in the store that I admitted I love gummy worms more than gummy bears because, well, I love to suck on the worms. Yeah, that’s the way I’ve always felt – nothing like a childhood propensity turned into a kink. Feeling my face turn a little red as I’m standing there with him in the candy aisle admitting it – and realizing too what I was also admitting.
I’m trying to focus on our evening of wine and sunsets and scrambled eggs.
I’m trying to focus on Daddy taking me to the aquarium. Watching the otters and sea lions and sharks. Of his comments about taking photos of otters to send to DJ since her girlfriend has a thing for otters. Then taking shark pics for DJ too because she loves sharks. Then Daddy chuckling and wondering aloud about sharks eating sea lions. Yeah, it made me laugh because, well, I love his thoughts.
I’m trying to focus on the Irish put with amazing fish and chips, well poured Guinness, and sharing amazing Irish Whiskey (the really really good stuff). Then heading back to the condo, sitting outside, sipping good vodka and enjoying some amazing wine as we watched the waves and soaked up the sun.
Yeah, we could have used another day. We could have used another week.
But fuck – I feel that way all of the time. I could always use another hour. I could always use another moment. I could use another day.
It is far from easy when you have someone who is in your heart – and life and other bullshit makes it not always easy for them to be around – for you to be around. We end up craving the presence – the desire to be together – to curl up on the couch – to be together. When you have good in your life, you want to binge on it – have it be part of everything – and that makes being apart even harder.
We had a good weekend.
It is never long enough – I fear it will never be long enough.
Not that knowing that will not stop me from grabbing as much time as I can with him.
What can I say – I love him.
He is the balm to my soul.