After the day I have had, I need aftercare.
I seriously have been beaten all day by idiots – by people who have wanted to fight just to get me to bend.
I don’t bend.
At one point, I was in a meeting with a director who decided that everything was my fault. I could say the sky is blue, and he would try to call me out. I did not bend. I stood up to the fucker – and called his ass out. But the dialog that bordered on personal attack truly had me wondering – “what the fuck am I doing here?” At one point in the conversation, I wondered what would happen if I told him to fuck off and walked out. i knew my boss would have my back. But if I walked out – it wasn’t going to be walking out of the meeting – I would walk the fuck out of the building. I was that done.
My boss knew even through skype something was really wrong. I explained the conversation, and he wanted to jump in. He knew I could handle it – but damn, he does not understand that this is not my default setting. While I will deal with conflict and strife and keep it together, when I get done – I’m flattened.
Today was no different. I got back to my desk – and I had no words. I was flattened. I wanted to find a dark room, a desk to crawl under, and crawl under it so I could cry. I was done. Being strong – holding my ground – not bending – well….it’s not easy. When I was done, I was beyond done.
I talked to my boss who was pissed. All the shit tossed at me pissed him off because I have tried to help that fucker – and it has fallen on deaf ears. He explained there are some politics involved that may be driving his behavior. He was promised a huge promotion, his boss fucked around (typical), and another exec took over promoting someone else to solve the issue. He suspects that now he’s being an asshole just because he doesn’t want his real job – he liked the idea of becoming a VP more.
I don’t fucking care.
All I know is this – I’m at home alone tonight – alone except for the teenagers – and I really want to be curled up next to Daddy, head on his chest, legs tangled with his, and just exhale – breathing in his energy – feeling his love – and just being.
Yeah – I need aftercare.