Meet Karl







We have a couple of long time friends who sold everything and now teach all over the world.  Each year, they journey back to Portland where they spend time catching up with friends and family, getting all of the medical checkups they need, and buy the things they need before embarking on their next country assignment.

After they visited the last time & stayed in our space, we found this:

karlwith a note:

“Thank you for letting us use your place.  We decided to leave you a little gift we found while in Thailand.”

Ahh, our friends…..leaving us a little gift, in the form of a cock bottle opener, as a thank you.

I had not seen this gift until one evening, G and I were sitting at the local dive bar near our house.  The bartender walked around the corner, saw us, and immediately ran out to her car parked nearby.  When she came back in, she pulled this from her pocket and said she was returning G’s penis.  A couple nights before, he and his friend were there when she was overrun by orders of Coronas.  She could not find her bottle opener, so G (having just found the gift and note) pulled it from his pocket and handed it to her to help her out.

She used it for the rest of the night.

“Yeah, I needed to get your penis out of my car.  One of my kids found it. I was not ready for that conversation – so I said I was holding it for a friend.”

I almost lost beer out of my nose.

When we got home, I put the opener on the island in the kitchen. I wanted to see who noticed it first.  Then I sort of forgot about it.

DJ came across it first – picking it up, examining it, then looking at me to ask “why”?

“Why not? I mean, don’t you think everyone needs a little penis opener in the kitchen?”

She looked at it once more, and said it seemed to fit this house, then put it down.

Indigo was a bit less reserved about it.


I took it from her as she was waving it around, showed her the opener on the end, and explained it was for opening her sodas.

“BUT WHY?!?” she demanded.

“Well, we won’t lose it, will we?”

She conceded – then moved on to something else.

I knew it was an accepted part of the family when DJ sat at the island with her girlfriend, talking about this or that, and the entire time was turning it over in her hands.  It wasn’t until I suggested she stop fondling the opener that her girlfriend noticed what it was.

Tonight, DJ was having a bad night.  Stress over an upcoming event had gotten the best of her.  While she was doing the dishes, Indigo went over to the island, picked up the opener and said, “He needs a name.  Karl is a good penis name.”

“Uhm, what are good penis names? I mean, what are the qualities of a good penis name?”

She looked at me for a moment as she contemplated my question: “Well, Karl just fits,” and then, in a weird masculine voice I hear, “Hey DJ – I’m Karl. I’m a dick.  I’m here to sing for you.”  Then she precedes to make Karl sing a medley of tunes including some Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, and some other songs that escape me.  By the time she was done, we were rolling on the floor.

Ironically, the people I know named Karl fit into one of two camps – complete dick or nudist.

She may be onto something.

I’m still trying to figure out of this counts as a good parenting moment where we have open communications around a realistic penis shaped bottle opener.  Or if this is a bad parenting moment because I’ve corrupted their senses of humor in a way most other parents try to avoid.

I think the jury is still out.


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