Today has been a mixed bag.
I’m so fucking sore from my new workout that I seriously have spent time contemplating how many steps there are between my office and the Starbucks that is literally across the street. Or my office and the car – 5 blocks away – and me having to carry a heavy laptop. Standing at my desk today? Oh fuck – why, oh, why, do I have a standing desk?!?
I seriously have not felt this sore since I was in college. When I played college softball, the first week was always rough. Why? Imagine 2 hours of squats followed by base running. Yeah – it hurt and hurt some more and was ugly. There were times I wondered if my quads like me at all.
I know it will get better. I know that the more I use the muscles; the better I will feel. But oh fuck me – I’m not there yet.
And don’t think for a moment I don’t recall that when I was this sore in college, that I was also 18-22.
I know it will pass – or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
Add to the soreness the fact I’m having drop….and, well, I would think it cannot get worse….but it can.
I’m volunteering with a group that is starting up that will link a lot of the other sex positive groups in the area. While meeting to transition the info between the old guard and the new, a comment gets made. I know the person who made the comment. I also know he speaks off the cuff in a way that usually results in him apologizing. It’s who he is – it’s what he does.
Yet tonight, he made a comment dismissing what I know. The others were uncomfortable with his comment – their body language said it. Yet, it still made me want to crawl under the table and cry.
I physically hurt – I emotionally hurt – I didn’t really want to be there tonight anyway – so all of it resulted in me being done.
But I heard Daddy’s voice telling me to ignore him – he is the one not worth it.
But it didn’t matter – I was far from being in a space where I could blow it off. So I clammed up and listened. Just telling myself that I’m not in the right headspace to even look at the situation right. Let alone react to it right.
What can I say? I miss my Daddy – my body is really sore – and I’m just not in a good space.
G made me a hot bath and encouraged self care.
I am thankful for his support.
I am thankful for SB’s love.
I know this will pass….until then, I will force myself to count my blessings..