A Mixed Bag

Today has been a mixed bag.

I’m so fucking sore from my new workout that I seriously have spent time contemplating how many steps there are between my office and the Starbucks that is literally across the street. Or my office and the car – 5 blocks away – and me having to carry a heavy laptop.  Standing at my desk today? Oh fuck – why, oh, why, do I have a standing desk?!?

I seriously have not felt this sore since I was in college.  When I played college softball, the first week was always rough. Why? Imagine 2 hours of squats followed by base running.  Yeah – it hurt and hurt some more and was ugly.  There were times I wondered if my quads like me at all.

I know it will get better. I know that the more I use the muscles; the better I will feel.  But oh fuck me – I’m not there yet.

And don’t think for a moment I don’t recall that when I was this sore in college, that I was also 18-22.

I know it will pass – or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Add to the soreness the fact I’m having drop….and, well, I would think it cannot get worse….but it can.

I’m volunteering with a group that is starting up that will link a lot of the other sex positive groups in the area.  While meeting to transition the info between the old guard and the new, a comment gets made.  I know the person who made the comment. I also know he speaks off the cuff in a way that usually results in him apologizing.  It’s who he is – it’s what he does.

Yet tonight, he made a comment dismissing what I know.  The others were uncomfortable with his comment – their body language said it.  Yet, it still made me want to crawl under the table and cry.

I physically hurt – I emotionally hurt – I didn’t really want to be there tonight anyway – so all of it resulted in me being done.

But I heard Daddy’s voice telling me to ignore him – he is the one not worth it.

But it didn’t matter – I was far from being in a space where I could blow it off.  So I clammed up and listened.  Just telling myself that I’m not in the right headspace to even look at the situation right.  Let alone react to it right.

What can I say? I miss my Daddy – my body is really sore – and I’m just not in a good space.

G made me a hot bath and encouraged self care.

I am thankful for his support.

I am thankful for SB’s love.

I know this will pass….until then, I will force myself to count my blessings..

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