Subtext of Breathe

Wrapping myself around him, I could not help but match my breath to his own rhythm.

And in each inhale, the words came together in my head.

And in each exhale, the words were the undertone of the air as it left my lungs.

“I’m sorry”

Inhale, I thought the words.

Exhale, I let them go out with the air.

Over and over again.

“I’m sorry”

“I’m sorry”

“I’m sorry”

I’m sorry this weekend did not go as we both wanted it to go.

I’m sorry I could not give you the release you needed.

I’m sorry we could not have that energetic connection that comes from play.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m leaving for so long.

I’m sorry this is so incredibly hard.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Each touch, each hug, each kiss had those words included in each like I was gathering the energy of healing, of calm, trying to make up for the sorry I felt  – and pushing it to him….hoping he felt it.

I’m sorry.

It seems so ridiculous.  Shit happens. Life happens.  Moods are, well, moody. And sometimes the time to play is not now no matter how much you want it to be now.  And it sucks.

While I get that – I know that – I believe that – I still cannot help but be sorry – feel sorry – feel bad – feel guilty – feel all of those things because I’m leaving for a family thing.I won’t be around for not that long but way too long  at the same time. So all I see is a time for all of the things lost.

Sure we had a wonderful time despite it all. A time I would not trade.

But I’m sorry it was incomplete – did not meet all of our expectations.

I cannot help but be sorry.

I love him too much to not feel anything but….

…..sorry.

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