There are no pretty words. No poetic verse that can say what I am purely feeling.
I miss him.
When I hit this space, I feel myself frantically trying to fill the void. Trying to fill the space he occupies with whatever I can. Whatever will make it not the forefront of my mind – but pushes it a bit back.
The problem is the true feelings are nipping at whatever I’m doing – trying to push and shove its ways to the front. It becomes an internal struggle as I try to find the balance I only usually find with him.
He describes it, at time, feeling like a junkie. Wondering when the next hit is going to be had. Jonesing for the next one. I do get that.
Because despite the kids and the family and the job and the other things in life being right there, in my face – I have this dull ache for him. His absence is felt. And no matter what logic or rationale I toss at the situation, it never truly dulls the feelings – lessens the feeling of void that I feel.
“He just belongs right here too,” I commented to G in exasperation with myself – with my inability to push aside how I was feeling. “He brings balance to me – balance I cannot explain but when it’s gone, I feel it.”
…..today I have been feeling it.
Because no matter how much I tell myself that in three days, I’ll be with him for five days. No matter how much I remind myself that we will escape the usual patterns of life and make our own. No matter how much I remind myself that I will be curled up with him – feeling his hands on my body – feeling that full body exhale that always happens when we are together…..it does not change that need that I feel right now.
A feeling that is not that I hate where I am – what I have – who I have.
Quite the opposite. Just that my life is incomplete – my moment is incomplete – because someone is missing. And no matter how many others join in – the person who can provide that complete is missing – his absence is felt. I cannot explain it any other way.
Only that I love – and I am loved – and absence makes the heart grow fonder – but also ache in ways that are not familiar.
And I count down the minutes – the seconds – until I can be with him – until he can add his voice to the choir that makes up my life….that makes my song feel right.
And only then will I feel at peace.