Yesterday, I realized I had spent my week longing for the things that “would make things better for me” or “make me feel better” – less stressed, happier, content, get my energy back to where I wanted it to be. The stress of the week – the energy being expended out vs taken in – just put me in a headspace where I was putting too much emphasis on what outside me had to happen to fix my slump. Like, if I just had that really yummy chocolate cake from New Seasons that I love as a treat, that I’ll feel happier. Or, if I can just see SB, all will be right in my world.
The problem is this – exactly this –
All week, I kept thinking about what was going to fix it. About everything that just needed to happen so I could find happy again – find peace – and sleep and be well and exhale. I was trying to force things – and when it wasn’t what I wanted in my head – I was not happy – I was frustrated. I was looking outside of me to fix how I was feeling inside of me….and, well…..that’s not how it works.
I know that too. I know better.
But I was focused on the wrong things – the external things that will be what they are instead of focusing on what I can change – which is me – my thinking – my responses, etc.
Because so much is right in my life. I am blessed in more ways than I can count. I am loved.
So much in my life is right – yet, all of those things were forgotten because “if this just fell into place, I’ll find peace” was my thinking.
I stayed home last night. I put myself in a time-out of sorts knowing that if the wrong thing happened – my reactions would not be what they would normally be if I was in the right frame of mind. I ordered my favorite kind of pizza, I bought myself ice cream that I usually avoid, I drank my favorite beverages, watched some goofy stuff on TV, curled up under a blanket on the couch with the dogs and a cat. I just tried being for a while. Then I went to be early – I slept for as long as I wanted – and I exhaled some more. Oh, and I avoided those that suck energy from me more than gives back to me.
Un-slumping yourself is not easy. But I was the only one who was going to do it. I knew that. I know that.
I guess the one thing I’m grateful for is the support and understanding SB has given me. And above all else, his love when I have felt anything but loveable. Goes a long way in un-slumping yourself.