“You have no idea how much I need this”, my friend insisted after telling me she was off to see a sadistic friend.
“I need this badly – you have NO idea.”
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that she can need what she needs. That wasn’t the issue – it was the “you have no idea” part. That was the part that set me on edge. That plea to me – that insistence that I could have no idea what she’s feeling or going through.
I said the right words back. The words you say in that situation – then went my own way as she went hers. Her words continuing to echo in my head. The feelings welling up inside of me – fucking with my mood. I knew it was – I knew why.
Because I have a damn good idea but on a whole different level.
There have been times as of late where I’ve felt the need for a good hard beating. One that left me in a puddle on the floor of tears and arousal – emotionally and physically drained.
Or a beating that ends in giggles and laughter with energy flowing around the room bringing both of us to a high that chases away everything in the world and wrapping us in happy and love and all.
And those scenarios I described for the beating – they can only be given by him – I can only let my guard down for him.
Or sitting on a couch with him – talking as we touch each other, kissing between conversations – looking into each other and seeing each other as we truly are – being able to drop the masks others expect us to have. Enjoying the sharing of self and energy.
Or being wrapped around him as we sleep. Hearing the sleeping noises that I love – feeling the energy – exchanging sleepy kisses – and just finding peace for a while.
Because I fucking miss him – miss it all.
While I had a wonderful time away, not being able to ping him and say “look at this view – isn’t it gorgeous?” or even tell him about what I have seen while I’m seeing it – well, it feels like part of me is missing – part of my life is missing.
Yeah, I have no idea about needing something so badly.
Though, maybe that is the distinction for me that makes me unable to understand her need – it’s not something that I need – it’s Someone – and, well, that makes it hard for HER to understand.