It’s a Mother Fucking Narwhal!

I don’t know – I have a think about unicorns and narwhals. I want a combo of the two on black velvet.

Conversations with DJ are – uhm, entertaining, but scary.

When I learned I was pregnant with a girl, I almost fell over. On one hand, I wanted to have a girl.  On the other hand, I was scared. I am a girl who grew up surrounded by boys.  I have zero experience with sisters and girls and all of that.  Even my friends most of my life were male.  Yet here I was – about to give birth giving a girl.

Fast forward 14 years later.  On the way to taekwondo, hearing stories about DJ’s day in high school.  About the boy who, during an earthquake drill, decided to be spider boy – a circus freak who can wrap his limbs around each other in a way that allowed him to run around on all fours like a creepy assed spider. Or the weird conversations she has during the day.

Like when she and three boys in her math class were discussing erections.

Or when a girl in her class was complaining about her sized C boobs only to have DJ pipe up and explain she is a D cup so shut up.  Her cohort announced she no longer trusted white girls.  All the while, the boys are staring at both girls, probably wondering what the problem is with either of them.

Or the boy who announced his hand was still a virgin.  Then he called another boy’s hand a whore.  The boy in question denied it, only to have DJ say “oh yeah, you are.”  This declined even more rapidly into a comment about DJ raping him.  Then he wondered aloud how that would work.  DJ’s comment was something about “if it doesn’t work, I’d just cut if off.”  The boy’s response? “Will you shove it in my ass after?”  DJ was like, “Uhm, if you’re into that.”  Then commented about how he was an ass pickle.

Ass pickle? I had forgotten I taught her that phrase.

After  I stopped laughing, she commented about needing a new phrase – though this one works.  “Douche canoe”.  She exclaimed how much she loved that – and I wondered if I’m actually a good influence.

Yeah – the world will not be ready for her.

I am waiting for the day that all of the boys decide to fight over her – there may be a big melee.

Then DJ will jump in, kick their asses – and wander off with a girl.

My kid. Definitely.

What do you think?