Drop is a phenomenon that happens after an insanely intense experience. For me, when body, soul and heart all come together and are satiated at the same time. Where energy has been raised and mingled and intermingled and the world is brighter – the colors more colorful, the smells more pleasant and pungent, the emotions more raw – more real – more unprotected. It’s like it all wraps you in this nice cocoon that is suddenly gone – leaving you feel cold, emotional, and raw.
I both love and hate drop.
Having drop means a great weekend – a great moment – a great intensity that has etched itself into your heart, your soul, and your mind. And I love that – I love the fact it means all of those things occurred.
But I hate having it. I hate the emotions – the sleeplessness – the wishing it could just go on and on, but knowing real life calls – the sense of loss.
I came home today to meet the artist handing over her art to me for an upcoming show. The plan was going to be getting the art – then working out. In the end, I decided I needed self care. I needed to just be – to do things that fed me in other ways. That I needed the downtime – the lack of pressure – the peace and quiet of the house without the family here.
Because I am dropping – harder than I thought I would. I savor the marks and the bruises and aches and pains from part of the good time that were had – but it is my heart that is heaviest – that aches the most. That sense of loss is profound. That feeling is right below the surface – as are the emotions.
It doesn’t help that I had a hard day. A day where I was faced with a woman who is sickening sweet as a tactic for maintaining control – and even on my best days I don’t deal with that bullshit well. Today was one of those days where I could have been led away from work in handcuffs if I had acted on my feelings. It would have made me feel better – at least for the moment.
So tonight will be about self care. Remembering that this too shall pass. That I love no less and am no less loved because I’m feeling this way. I remind myself that is because I am incredibly lucky that I can have these feelings – these moments – these situations that leave me feeling shaky afterwards and raw with emotion. That this stage of things – is a blessing, not the curse it feels. That it just means I have to take care of myself – do the things that make me feel better. And know that tomorrow, it won’t be as raw – the happy will be more apparent thru the tears. And all is fine – will be fine.
I have to walk through this drop to get back there. It doesn’t mean I have muted those feelings or think less of this weekend – it means reintroducing myself to real life – the life beyond being curled up in bed after an amazingly intense, much needed scene. The life that would have to go on regardless of the attempts to keep it there forever. It isn’t a bad thing. It’s just reality of life.
I have to focus on the positive and try hard not to let the feelings of drop be the anchor around my neck.
I have to take care of self because it is just required.
And I have let myself feel – know its okay – remind myself it is a moment in time – a wave to ride not be drowned by.
Not an easy thing sometimes – but a necessary one,
Else, I risk not having that magnificent ride again – and, well, I will endure this passing drop if it means getting to take the ride leading to it again.