A friend of mine in the kink community posted something on FL yesterday. It was a short little piece that used few words to express a big feeling.
The past several years of her life have been extremely rough – broken relationship, cross country move, drama regarding custody of their child, work woes, career changes. And while she feels she is where she needs to be, nothing else resolved – the pain of the past was still there – still something she fought daily.
She feels she has finally come out of the fog – and when she looks around without that fog of depression and sadness wrapped around her – she is finding those around her are strangers. And no one knows her anymore without that fog around her. While she sits in bliss and happiness, she finds she sits alone.
SB has often commented when we sit there talking and watching our community: “Those miserable bastards have no idea what to do when there is no misery.”
Yeah, he and I noticed it too.
Because it seems with the community that if you are not happy, haven’t found bliss yet, or even have some drama going on – that people are there to support – wrap around you like a blanket almost so you aren’t feeling alone. But the minute you are happy, and that happy sunshine burns away those clouds of misery, it’s like they drift away – living more in shadow and sadness than in light and happiness. And I have found myself wondering – who the hell are these people? Did I never understand who they were until now I see them in the light of day? Or is it me they don’t understand?
I think the answer is yes to both.
I know when I was struggling with my own thing late last year during, what we now call, “our break” – I had people I barely knew – and barely knew me – come and offer support and counsel. When I wouldn’t tell them the details, I quickly learned that was all they wanted – the gossip – the scoop of what happened, all asked for under the guise of “I’m here for you”. There were a few people I did know and were friends with that were “there for me” but really it was like they were feeding off my misery. They were happiest when I was at my most unhappy. When I spoke about trying to find resolution, I was discouraged – a huge flag for me – that thankfully I could see through the sadness I was surrounded by.
I had people who spoke to me the truth. Said what they felt was going to happen – quite accurately really – only to give me backlash when it did come true. Think about that one for a moment – they told me what they felt was going to happen – were positive about it – and when it happened acted like it shouldn’t have happened that way. *shrug*
When I came out the other side, I had fewer friends – a phenomenon that was just odd to me. And even when was starting to come out of things, I had people almost try to drag me back.
But actions are louder than words.
I wrote my friend privately I told her I got it. Gave a few lines of what I have seen – told her I was sorry that in the middle of her happiness and bliss, she was finding all of those people she called close friends and family have seemingly abandoned her. I told her she wasn’t alone – offered her support.
I have often commented that there seems to be, in general, people who flock to drama and sadness like moths to a flame. It is almost like they cannot help it. And not necessarily in a way that is helpful – but in a way that feeds them personally – the other person is just the person in crisis or cloaked in sadness. While I hate that, I acknowledge it happens. I guess I just hope as I get older that I become better at spotting those people. Because just like I don’t need fairweather friends (found plenty of those a year ago too), I don’t need those who only seem happiest with our friendship when I’m at my saddest.
And while I find solace in knowing I am not alone in my experience – I am also not happy to see it happening over and over again. That isn’t community – that isn’t friendship – and that isn’t helpful.
Then again, like I’ve already said – I’m too old for that crap.
Though I think SB would say it is because I don’t suffer fools gladly.