Coming Out as Poly and a Parent


“I mean, I don’t know why it’s important for people to say they are this thing or that thing – I mean, be your own thing – be who YOU are.”

I love DJ.  And this summarizes why I love her.  On the drive home from TKD, she was explaining how she was going to give her speech tomorrow for her year-long class project.  And in the middle of her explanation came that mini-rant.

Boy, she is an old soul.  What can I say, I recognize my own.

She gave me many openings as we spoke – she told me she didn’t understand why people needed to wrap labels around them like security blankets – how she only saw them as limiting.  She went on about the craziness of media and society only portraying things a particular way.  Love in particular has to be with the girl being all full of anxiety about the actions of the boy and afraid to say how she truly feels.  The boy has to be somewhat dimwitted and into sports.  All stupid and weird in her eyes – say what you feel, ask the questions you have – be real.  All her words.

She gave me the perfect opening.

“Well, while you are talking about this and giving examples, let me give my own – do you know what monogamy is or polyamory?”

She answered “no” so I explained what monogamy was.  Then I explained polyamory and how it was not polygamy.

“Ok – that makes sense…” was her response.

“I am telling you this because people assume that your Poe and I are monogamous but we are not – we are polyamorous.  It means we have discovered that we have the capacity to love more than one person in our lives in a relationship sense – just like we discovered we are able to love more than one kid in our lives.  We discovered that love does not get divided but grows accordingly.  This does not mean we are getting divorced or that we are having problems – it just means we have realized that there are people that fit into our lives in meaningful ways.”

The thing I love about DJ is she is always thinking – always pondering – always processing.  So I continued.

“Look, you have already put this together I’m sure because you are observant and smart – you likely didn’t have the words. I just tell you because I don’t want you to ever put this together and think I’m cheating or he’s cheating or that someone is in our lives to break up your family.  Because you asked why SB was around a lot, well, he’s around because he’s my boyfriend – and I love him – and I want him to be a part of my life and know who  you guys are and know who I am as your Moe.  Plus, he likes a good meal and I like cooking him one, ” she laughed and said she could understand that, “so I like him coming over.”

She chuckled a bit because she knew I was making light of things – but sharing with her the truth.  She said she has put things together now and in the past, but didn’t know exactly what shew as putting together.  “I was never suspicious – but that’s the wrong word – I never thought anyone was doing something wrong like cheating.  I just didn’t know what I was seeing – but it makes sense what you are saying because its how I felt about the situation – that it was all good.”

We talked for a bit longer about poly.  We talked about how long G and I have been doing it – we talked about how people won’t understand and why – so this needed to be something she filed away and did not mention to grandparents and such.  She agreed saying that just like she wouldn’t mention to most people she is pansexual – this is definitely something she didn’t feel was anyone’s business.  She had just ended a rant about those who feel the need to scream their labels from the mountain top.  “Who cares what you are – be comfortable with who you are” was her comment.

“This all makes sense to me,” she commented in the end, “it’s why some people think I’m crazy that I have all of these friends I’m close to – they don’t believe I can truly be close to all of them – but in actuality, I can be because they all fit into my life making it whole.  This feels like the same thing.”

Old soul.

Too wise for her age.

Or maybe it is the moment I realized I have raised a kid who takes a broader view of the world than most people do.  Who wants people to be happy and confident with who they are above binding themselves in labels.  Who wants people to not just check one box or another but all boxes because they know who they are.

Yeah – she is far older than her 14 years.

And I love that.

What do you think?