I have a post all written up – and decided not to push Publish to post it. While there is nothing in it that I worry about saying – it’s all truth – it’s just fucking sad. Sad having the realization that someone who has been a part of your life for more than half of it seems to only have a place because she has been in it so long. Realizing that she is not allowing you to grow or evolve as a person. Connecting all the ways and find the connections that go back too long of things that should have been indicators of her not letting me grow. Mainly because she is struggling with it – if you want to get all arm-chair-psychiatrist about it.
I guess this just summarizes where I’m at. I don’t have time for hate or frustration or drama or annoyance. I realize now that this person has brought it with her into my life. And when there are consequences for it, it is not seen a it is but as she chooses to blame others for it.
I look back at the latter half of last year when several times I had to say “I have nothing but love for this person – I do not have hate – I do not have a desire to ruin anyone because of the pain I’m feeling – and those around me need to respect my stance and take the same because I refuse to allow others to feed negativity into this situation or at that person.” Simple request.
One that was repeatedly denied. Now in looking back – it was just another sign of me being in one place and her being in another. And those places are not near each other.
Because I like my life filled with things that feed me – love, friendship, laughter, music, art, photography, good books, good movies, good memories – not drama and frustration and annoyance and anger and all. And that – THAT is what it is with this person – drama, frustration, droning on about negative shit.
And that is why I did not hit publish. I could go through it all – and vent and explain and give examples – but the sad, simple truth is – I’m done.
What was once had is no more. What was once had won’t be gotten back. I have changed. I am happy with where I’m at. And unless happiness and positive is brought into my life, I can’t have those people come with me.
It’s a sad truth – but an important and freeing realization.
I only have time to feed the positive things – the negative shit, well, it can fuck off. I’m done giving anything to it.
And I’m ok with that realization.
Even if that means a friend has to go over —-> there.