My Bipolar Life

I left his place reluctantly – having been happy and content and relaxed for the first time in days.  Funny how time with him can bring me back into a good space – a balanced one.  Yet, I knew I had to go home – had to go back to the stresses I knew – the stresses of family and all – of death and estates and things we normally do not want to focus.

But off I went. Into the abyss.

Truer words were never spoken.

Between work and life and home and family, it seemed that I was tumbling down one drama after another – one issue after another – one thing I cannot resolve after another.

Treading water was a nice idea.

But at each time I felt myself dipping below the waterline with uncertainty if  would resurface – he was like my life preserver.  He affirmed and reaffirmed for me that I was not below water -that I had a life preserver.  Him.

I floated above – I smiled – I laughed – I felt as though I could get through.  Then….


under I went….again…..

I thank the universe for his love – his life – his energy – his support – his belief when mine was slipping.  This is not hyperbole.

Tonight, after leaving  him – I noticed I had several missed calls from my mom. I called her using the hands-free in my car.  I could tell from her voice that something was really wrong.

“We lost the house.”

They live in an area where most homeowners are underwater.  They live in a neighborhood where most are for-sale-by-bank.  Everyone is in the same boat.  After the past 1year+ some months, they have played the bank games – done what has needed to be done, in hopes the bank will follow – thru on their promise to re-write the loan so they can afford to stay.  They were told not to pay.

Then, they received a bill for $30K.  Out of no where – $30K with a due date of a few weeks from now.

Mom called – asked WTF.  The person who was on the call with her looked it up – then was upset for her.  Told her there was a letter being sent.  Did she want to hear it – he could read it to her now without consequence.  She said yes – and the gist was simple – the market has changed – they decided not to rewrite anything – they have 45 days to pay, find a valid reason to appeal, or get out.

She burst into tears telling me this.  The woman who spent my entire life keeping this family afloat with negotiations, appeals and deals even when she and my dad could not make ends meet – found herself in a situation she could not rectify. And a more insane position where they don’t have an option of just moving out and moving on in that area.  The cost to stay and to go was insurmountable.  She could not find a solution or an answer.

And she was in tears.

“Your brother is in a place too big and too expensive for him – maybe we can move in,” she speculated.

When I asked if she had told him, she admitted – she couldn’t tell anyone but me.  I was the safe one – the non-judgemental one – the one who wasn’t going to tell them what to do.

She told the person who will look to fix it.

In that moment, I realized that despite our frustration with my dad’s comments of moving back to Iowa that maybe their God, the universe, whatever the fuck you want to call it – maybe this was what they were meant to do.  Move back to a place that is a better fit for them.

They moved out here to be closer to the grandkids.  Great.  Except – Mom could find work – Dad struggled.  Things were more expensive.  Things were not easy.  But they were close to the family.  When Dad got frustrated, he wondered why they did this – if it was the right decision.

Right now – I wonder if the universe – their God – whatever – is trying to send them back to where they need to be.  As I’m sitting in my car, in front of my house, lecturing my mom on faith and believing good will happen instead of focusing on the bad – it hit me.

They are not meant to be here.

In the local area I grew up in – a manufacturer is hiring everyone they can get their hands on.  My mom can get a job in a second.  The cost of living would be half of what it is here.  They would have community – they would have friends – they would not have political bullshit of what they have here.

They are not meant to be here.

My bipolar life – happy – sad – tears from laughter – tears from feeling the frustration of my mom.  Up and down.  It’s a roller coaster.  I wish I could help – and solve – and feel like those involved will be in a good place.  But that is hard.

Life is not like that.

So the roller coaster I must ride.

And while I’m plummeting down – I must hold onto the fact that I believe I will go back up – that I have life vests that won’t let me drowned.  So that I keep the hope I can espouse.

Because I am loved.

I am appreciated.

I have people in my corner.

Even if that plummets.

What do you think?

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