Splat!

Drop – An emotional, psychological, or physiological state that can sometimes come after play. Usually involves feelings of loss, loneliness, abandon, worry, misgivings about the play or one’s identity as a kinkster, and sadness.  – BDSM glossary

Sub-drop, Top-drop, con-drop – doesn’t matter what the prefix to “drop” is – drop is a good word for it – it’s a psychological ‘splat’ after an amazing high.   Comes from when you are forced down into the real world – instead of being able to drift down.

It hit me last night.  I’m sitting there, watching something funny, and wanting to cry.  Feeling so fucking alone in my feelings and thoughts that it hurt.

I tried hard to do self care.  A hot bath – epsom salts – a good, mindless book – and tears.  Funny how those come along out of nowhere.

Today, I was left alone.  The family having their usual Spring Break traditions that have never included me.   I got out of bed after a rough night’s sleep.  I tried to workout only to have my body tell me to fuck off.  I got through it.  I went into the kitchen to make my protein shake only to be reminded that the kitchen was in shambles – so I cleaned it – all while reminded that this – this is the life some envy – my life of cleaning up after others as they enjoy their time.  Fuck.

I tried to escape my drop – I tried to go out and shoot photos.  To give you an idea – I want to just erase the card in the camera – I don’t fucking care what they look like, I know they are crap.  Another emotional response but a correct one.

The only reprieve I got was when I was to meet an artist – and a friend showed up to provide support for the transaction given he is kind of creepy.  We talked – she shared her day with me – and it was a distraction that the sun, the cherry blossom’s blooming, the exercise, could not provide.  And when she left, I was left with same feelings I was try to run from.

Yeah, not everyone in my life had the weekend I had.  But not everyone in my life is going through what I am right now.  I almost wished I had gone to work today – at least I would be feeling this way behind the scenes as I got my shit done.  It would have been better – or at least that’s the feeling.  Because drop sucks.  Feeling the bruises, remembering the why and all – well that evokes feelings that cannot be matched in today’s life.  And add in alone – and I’m fucked – anyone would be fucked.

I know it will get better. I know it will lesson. I know.

But right now – I ache.

But right now – I cry.

But right now – I have feelings that make no sense but I can’t control.

So I resist the urge to runaway.

I remind myself it will be better tomorrow.

I want to believe it.

But right now – I’m splatted – on the concrete after a spectacular fall.

And I don’t care.

I just know what I feel. So I try to find my cave – reminding myself this will pass – as I try to just ride the wave.

Even if I feel battered against the rocks.

What do you think?