When someone thinks of a person with anxiety, they often think of someone sitting in the corner, afraid to move because they will panic over what may come. They see this person who is so fixated on the future they cannot live in the present. And while those are some of the features of a person with anxiety – there is one that people don’t always know because they think of it as ADD instead. But an anxious person’s mind doesn’t slow long enough for them to stay ahead of their thoughts and their words. So, medication helps. Helps them get to a point where they can process and control and let go of the thoughts.
Being with an unmedicated person with anxiety during a snowstorm which has the city shut down is something that should justify homicide.
Yes, this has been my past three days.
I must admit – he doesn’t let his medication lapse often anymore – maybe a day or two as he waits for the refill, but it’s been a week. No bueno.
Yesterday, I should have realized what was happening. I told him three times about the weather forecast. Each time I repeated myself, he would act surprised “I had no idea” – then he would go on about someone should tell him these things. I seriously thought I was going crazy. Did I say it outloud or just think it? Until Derek looked at him and was like, “You know, she’s said it twice to you in front of me – why is this a surprise??” Affirmation that I was not the one going crazy. But frustrating none the less.
“We’re going out tonight” he announced. “If you come with me, I’ll buy you dinner at this cart next door.”
“That cart isn’t going to be open, it’s SNOWMYGAWD weather outside – they are probably shut down.”
“Why would they be? That’s just stupid. They are open. We’re going – and we’re eating poutine. You’ll see.” He insisted over and over and over again.
Everything the rest of the day was taken literally, done exactly as asked or in an over-the-top manner. I was about ready to jump out the window. And if I repeated myself one more time, I was going to start throwing things. I truly felt like the crazy one.
We went out later, and guess what wasn’t open. The food cart had a sign on it “Closed due to weather”. Then I got the 20 minute explanation about how dumb they were, blah, blah blah. By this point, I was about done. I was sick of listening to the stream of consciousness that was not being edited between his brain and his mouth. I was sick of repeating something I said twenty times. I was done.
But I still had not put 2 and 2 together.
This morning, I got up and came out to find him in the living room at the computer. “I had this idea,” he started to say, “you should leave to go to SB’s early, in the daylight because then you can get there and see him.”
“Nice idea, but the idea of me on the roads for that distance with the conditions as they are is not something SB would go for – he doesn’t like that there are the bad drivers out .”
“That’s why you would leave in the daylight, because….” he continued.
“Light is not the issues – stupid drivers and bad roads are. Plus, look at the weather forecast – I’d have to leave now, assuming SB would go for it.” I pointed out.
“The weather is over though – it’s going to be fine. Plus, the daylight…” he started again.
At this point, I stopped. It hit me like a done of bricks.
“When’s the last time you’ve had your meds?” I asked.
“A week. So, if you….” he started again.
“G, you need to get your meds – now.”
He thought for a second. Then was like, “yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”
We got our coats and all on to go out. We needed to drive to the place we had been the night before because he forgot his debit card at the place. As we walked down the steps to the car, I noticed a bunch of cold, wet birds huddled in the trees.
“We need to get some bird seed too – these poor guys are not finding food.” I commented to him as I pointed to the trees.
“Look at those poor birds,” G said, ” while I’m out, maybe I should get some bird food for them. Yes?”
“I just said that – like right before you did.”
G stopped for a moment. “Yeah, I need my drugs.”
Yes you do.
Else, I will have to plead insanity when I’m before the judge at the murder trial. His AND mine.