I hate situations like I’m in right now. I hate it because I don’t know how to ask for what I need. I don’t know how to say to the people who I love and who love me – just love me. Just hold me. Just let me know it’s all going to be okay. Just understand that I hate it when life gets like this and I have to go into crisis mode. I hate it not because it is what I need to do, but it is going to suck the life out of me and take me away from what I want or need.
And I hate it.
I hate the situation even has arisen for this to happen.
I hate that I have to sit in the dark and wonder how or what I say to get what I need while I give others what they need. And during this all, I hate not being able to say ‘yes’ when I really REALLY want to say ‘yes’ but I can’t right now.
I hope for understanding. I hope that those important to me will look at me and the situation and mainly the situation and go “wow – that’s fucked up” and just understand and let things pass as they must – offering support versus their own frustrations.
It’s funny because I have learned over the past couple of months that while I would have expected that – I cannot expect that anymore. That there are people in my life – people I considered friends – close friends – who I cannot count on for this. And knowing that – finding this out – scares the fuck out of me.
So I take the “seriously – let me know what you need” and wonder when I use it – if I can use it. Knowing if the tables were turned, I’d expect the person on the other side to use it. But knowing in this situation, I will wonder if it’s really ok.
All I know right now is that I’m sick of surprises. I need some rocks and am wondering if what I see as rocks truly are. I need comfort and energy and understanding and just people willing and able to let me listen – not these shouts into the ether but listen knowing that will worry I am talking too much – saying too much – being too much of a burden.
This is the curse of the caretaker – the one who can handle crisis – that can take care of anything in my life – I just can’t always take care of myself when I need it. And I don’t know how to ask.
So I end up alone – at almost 1am in the morning – with a head full of thoughts – and a fear of saying any of them aloud.
And in the morning, I’ll put on my game face – face the world, act like I have it by the balls, and inside be carefully managing what I’m feeling so I don’t feel it.