I’m really sick of philosophical debates. Debates that occur when the ideal and the utopian do not match the reality. The debates that result in the beating of a dead horse until there is nothing left but microscopic bits that no one can see with their eye, but result in someone pulling out a microscope to continue beating it. The debates that end up being wildfires that divide, not unify – where common ground is loss and not gained. Debates that never result in a solution – just simply people taking sides and driving more wedges into a community of people.
The annual consent debate is underway in our kink community. And just like the annual women’s issues debate at my college campus, the lines are drawn, common sense is tossed out the window to make room for the black-and-white nature of how people feel about it. And while there is no one who is going to say “fuck consent – it’s not important” – someone saying “hey, if you can’t use your words when someone gives you a hug, are you going to be able to use your words when in a scene and things are going sideways and you need to say ‘red!’?” Nope. We can’t talk about reality – we can’t talk about solutions or uncomfortable discussions – we can only talk philosophy and idealisms – both of which take us no closer to the real solution. Sadly. No, instead, we all sit in the bleachers, looking at the scene unfolding on the field, and talk about what we see – excluding what the players are feeling.
I recall once in college getting yelled at by a group of feminists for the Women4Women group after they entered a dorm room for a weekly bad movie nite to find a porn was playing. Hey, it qualified! Seriously though, the only reason it was playing was because someone saw it and was like “OMG! It’s George!!!” – the lead “actor” looked like our friend. So this was the show-and-tell moment.
Not knowing what was happening. Not knowing the situation. They burst in and immediately started being offended – we were objectifying women. (No, we were objectifying the man named George.) Why wasn’t I outraged?? (Because the guy really did look like George – a man who was known for his inability to get laid making the situation even funnier.) I could go on, but you get the idea. Later, they confronted me about it. I pointed out that they came in with their philosophical ideals looking for a fight – and found one without understanding that the situation. They tried even harder to get me to see the light, if you will. But they shut up when I finally said “look – that’s all nice in a classroom and for a philosophical debate – but if you are unable to apply it to the real world in a way where you can effectively make change – apply it where every hill isn’t the one you are going to die on – then you’re screwed & will never make change because you’ll spend too much time attacking women who are out there trying to change the world. Excuse me now, I have a computer science degree to get where I’m the only woman in the fucking department.” And I walked away.
And that is the way I feel about this debate.
As someone so concisely put it one day on his status – “Should she have been in a situation where she had to say something? No. Did she need to say something in that situation? Yes. Can we move on?”
At work, we keep having philosophical debates about delivery of code for the software we built. If I have another debate about this, I’m going to scream. Because at the end of the day, what should be happen vs what IS happening has such a wide gap between them that talking ideal and philosophy is just intellectual masterbation that doesn’t even result in anyone cumming.
Maybe it’s the new year and people are looking for making that change to the ideal. Maybe it’s the weather – too many people stuck inside with nothing better to do than sit behind a keyboard or in meetings spewing it all over everyone without any real long term effect other than everyone needing a shower.
“You do not tolerate fools” was a comment SB made to me one day after a rant I had about work. I guess that’s where I’m at right now – I’m not able to tolerate these fools.
I’m more of a do-something girl. So, shut-up-and-do-something is my default setting. But maybe we need more of that to get shit done and resolved.
What am I saying? As long as there is internet, there will be this happening. So I guess I will continue to do what I am doing – staying the fuck away from the conversation ….. and when dragged into it at an event – make fun of how the events unfolded as a snarky way of me poking fun at the whole thing.
It’s my defense mechanism.