“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience
My main word to describe how I felt about 2013 is regret. I regret so many parts of it, but especially the past four months. I regret how it all ended. I regret that I allowed my past to shape my actions in the present – not in a positive way, but a negative one. So I keep using that word – regret – to keep myself focused on what I will not do this year – I will not regret what I did or did not do. I will not let it shape me. I will use it to motivate me – to force me to ask myself “is this how I would react or act … or is this my past shaping my reactions/actions?”
Because sadly, if I ask myself honestly which it has been, I must answer the latter – my past is putting me in a position where I feel I need to not react as I would react based on the situation or the person I am dealing with. No, instead, I am reacting based purely on other situations, other people, and other outcomes – all unrelated to the here and now.
And that has fucked me over in ways I do not like. In ways that are forcing me to re-examine myself and wonder “what the fuck did I do?”
Regret – no regrets in 2014.
I will deal with things as Emmy would deal with things based on the person or situation. Not deal with things as I have been told is the way to deal with things. I will stay true to me. I will stay true to my heart.
Because this feeling – the one I have had for the last several months?
I never want to feel it again.
Like one of the things in Woody Guthrie’s list of resolutions says – I will wake up every day and fight.
Fight for what I want.
Fight to keep what is good and important to me in my life – who is good and important to me.
Fight to move out what is bad.
But I will not just let it be.
Because I do not ever want to end a year with this feeling again.