“You don’t deal with uncertainty.
You want to know exactly where you stand with people – what is happening and that it’s all good.
You don’t do limbo well.
You can’t be patient because unclear and uncertain and unknown is not a place you thrive. It’s a place you panic.
I get it – I get you. This is why you are all over the place because nothing is certain – nothing is final. You have not arrived at a destination that is stable yet.”
G did a great job summarizing for me why I was feeling all over the place today. Why I would have high highs and panicking lows. Why I was laughing one minute and wanting to cry the next.
Because I hate hate HATE the unknown. I hate uncertain. I hate silence. I hate wondering where I stand. I hate having to wait.
While I am trying to learn to be better, it is not easy when you are of the mindset and personality of “fuck waiting – make shit happen!”
But that’s not how people work. People you care about move at their own pace. And sometimes, all I can do is wait and wonder and hope. The problem is – like idle hands are the devil’s playthings – so is my mind. My mind, when idle, tries to figure shit out – it speculates, it worries, it wonders – and always come to the wrong conclusions. And drives me even more mad than when I started.
And no matter how much I try to ride the wave, I end up fighting it and getting pulled under where I kick myself, want to throw something, and ultimately surrender.
I just wish, sometimes, the process wasn’t so fucking painful.