“It’s Not Who You Are….”

“You don’t deal with uncertainty.

You want to know exactly where you stand with people – what is happening and that it’s all good.

You don’t do limbo well.

You can’t be patient because unclear and uncertain and unknown is not a place you thrive. It’s a place you panic.

I get it – I get you.  This is why you are all over the place because nothing is certain – nothing is final. You have not arrived at a destination that is stable yet.”

G did a great job summarizing for me why I was feeling all over the place today.  Why I would have high highs and panicking lows.  Why I was laughing one minute and wanting to cry the next.

Because I hate hate HATE the unknown.  I hate uncertain. I hate silence. I hate wondering where I stand.  I hate having to wait.

While I am trying to learn to be better, it is not easy when you are of the mindset and personality of “fuck waiting – make shit happen!”

But that’s not how people work. People you care about move at their own pace.  And sometimes, all I can do is wait and wonder and hope.  The problem is – like idle hands are the devil’s playthings – so is my mind.  My mind, when idle, tries to figure shit out – it speculates, it worries, it wonders – and always come to the wrong conclusions.  And drives me even more mad than when I started.

And no matter how much I try to ride the wave, I end up fighting it and getting pulled under where I kick myself,  want to throw something, and ultimately surrender.

I just wish, sometimes, the process wasn’t so fucking painful.

What do you think?