I got the good news about my mom yesterday afternoon, then upon seeing the weight of the stress fall away from my parents, left them to rest. I went to seek my own recharge from my own stress. Normally, a group full of kinky people will do it, so I headed to the munch.
I arrived earlier than expected, ordered a beer, and sat sipping it at the bar. My aim was simple – exhale before people arrived. Then a very self important visitor from out of town arrived, asked the bartender if any of the kink people were there yet, she pointed to me, and BAM, I’m forced into conversation. I blame my tiredness of the day for why I was unable to resist it.
I felt him arrive before I saw him. I felt my own energy calm – boost a bit. Then looked over and saw him at the bar. And I smiled to myself.
Thankfully the visitor had given me ammo to end the conversation in a kind way. I used it, then wandered over to him.
Everyone feels energy differently. I remember finding that out during a tantra class when my teacher was going to get us to really feel energy – or at least get us to understand what we were feeling energy as. We did a chakra clearing meditation, then she had us stand behind someone and without touching them, just see if we could figure out their chakra locations by the energy. Some described intense heat. Some described vibrations. It was very eye opening – making the connection between something you have felt before to the fact you were feeling energy for a while. I
For me, when I feel him, it’s like it washes through me like a comfortable current running through me. Through my fingers – up my arms – through my core. I can feel it leave me and cycle back out. It’s an amazing, weird feeling – I can feel my own energy vibration rise – even out – find center.
And yesterday – it is what I needed. We embraced. And while we separated to sit, I kept a hand on him and he kept one on me. The cycling of energy between us – back and forth – as we talked. He asked about my mom – I asked about his day in general.
As people came to munch, they drifted in and out. I realized quickly that what I needed in that moment – after all of the stress and the sleeplessness – was this guy right there. The one who emailed me in the middle of the night when he knew I couldn’t sleep – and couldn’t sleep himself because of it. The one who checked in a few times throughout the day offering me the words I needed to get through the day. The one who at that moment was feeding me energy and beer and giving me what I needed to destress.
I went home early. Not really interesting in staying to talk – feeling anti-social. After doing a few things – sending the kids to their rooms for the night – we talked some more through the magic of technology. And I fell asleep mid-talk (at what ended up being a horrible time mid-talk).
My stress had fallen away.
My energy was balanced.
I was happy.
So I slept. No whacky dreams. No middle of the night mental meanderings. Just peaceful sleep.
I have a few friends who are like “why are you talking to him again”. At first, I tried to explain – but how – how the fuck to explain this to someone who has never experienced it, who doesn’t truly believe it or understand it, who sees energy as only something that is part of NRE, who believes that is all it can be?
You can’t – as I quickly found out.
All I know is that this has been the challenge over the past months – this is deep. We are deep. This isn’t something that can ignore or go away. Fuck, we both found out through conversations we were feeling each other’s pain even while we were not talking.
So I really don’t care what people think because I can’t explain what they cannot feel. All I know is what I feel. And it feels right.
And sometimes – as I am learning – feeling it in your gut and heart – feeling that “right” – is better than anything your head can conjure up. Sometimes your head just fucks things up – things you feel in your heart and gut. So I’m going to follow that feeling for a while. See where it takes me. Go with the flow….