I hate people sometimes.
I hate how judgmental people can be – and I hate how fucked up they can be about friendship sometimes.
Yesterday, I had a situation occur with a friend who is a long time friend. Our history shows we have been through some shit together. I am her ear more times than I can count – mainly because I choose not to count. You don’t keep tallies with friendship.
I have had one of those weird (good) weeks. It is a week where I have been doing some heavy processing. And, well, anyone who knows me – knows I process out loud. And when I don’t – it’s not good. Your brain takes you to places you shouldn’t go….saying it all out loud, for me, keeps me from examining it too much because I am hearing myself say what I’m thinking – no what if scenarios – no little voices wanting to interject the negative shit – just my thoughts.
Yesterday, when I tried to tell her (after being asked) what was going on. She changed the subject.
Weird, I thought – she’s not that obtuse, so I know she changed the subject on purpose. SO I let the conversation continue, and she led it further and further away from how I was doing until I finally just left the conversation.
Then made note that clearly she doesn’t want to hear it.
Fast forward to today – I was asked by another friend about some things, tossed it on the table, then answered his questions along the way.
Then he dropped the bomb.
“Well, your friends are kinda unwilling to sit back and watch shit happen this time.”
Noted was my simple response.
Nothing like having a whole bunch of good things happen – things that make you happy only to have a response like that. A response of “I don’t care if it makes you happy, it makes us unhappy so there.”
What a fucking statement and call yourself my friend?!?
What’s interesting about this one is the fact I hear at least once a week about the issues he and his girlfriend are having – a woman he has broken up with and gotten back together 3x in the past 18 months. I hear about it from him and his wife. Sometimes at the same time as I am confidante and advice giver.
Do I agree with what happens there? Fuck no. The girlfriend gives makes me want to scream at him “run the fuck away!” Yet I don’t do it. I listen, I provide my opinion (gently) when asked, and I listen some more. And I have dried his wife’s tears more than once over it all.
As one friend said, “he likes you miserable.”
As G said, ” I approve of what you are doing – how you are feeling – fuck him.”
As another friend pointed out, “You should not feel bad about trusting your gut and your heart – fuck off.”
While I am happy that there are people in my life that support me, I am pissed there are people who are fucked up in thinking like this.
Because this is my life – fuck you if you don’t agree with it.
And as a final friend said:
I need to remember this. Because I am happy. I trust my gut and my heart. Fuck those others.
It sucks that people even think that way.