“You come up in all of our poly discussions.”
It’s funny how one can inadvertently become an example of something. In my case, it’s poly. G and I have considered ourselves poly for several years now – and because we have successfully navigated it – we have become an example of success we did not intend.
I don’t mean for that to sound like a negative. It isn’t in many regards. But, I guess I always have worries when people put you on a pedestal as an example of success that all is being done is setting up for failure – grand falling off the pedestal.
And maybe that’s my other concern, the most recent failed relationship for me and my challenges with “just getting over it” makes me feel less as a success, and more of a failure. But that’s just me too – I see where things went wrong and shouldn’t have before I see the larger picture which may be more positive. It’s the way my head works – and has been the key to my successes in life. But I digress.
For G and me, we just look at our relationship as an extension of what we already had. Communication becomes even more important, but given we started in a good place to begin with – we have never felt like we have had to build something new that wasn’t there. And when shit happens that requires a conversation that is serious, then we have it – setting aside many of our emotions at the time to talk about the situations, the issue, at hand. Doing it that way is not easy – it requires timing and belief that everyone is coming from a place of good. That everyone wants everyone’s best interest at heart. If I can’t come from that place and believe those things, then things would go sideways quick.
Maybe it was the fact we had been together for so long before we opened up our relationship, or maybe it was the life we had built that felt so solid – but we have never worried the other would find something better and go away from our own relationship with each other. Having the sense of security has allowed us to be who we are without worry that it will erode away the relationship we have with each other. And that security has been key to being open as well as poly. But again, that was groundwork we laid a long time ago.
And ultimately, we want each other to be happy. And we have learned and understand that we cannot be someone’s everything. That to be so entangled in someone without our own interests and work and passions was going to lead to unhappiness. So we are willing and able to support each other in whatever we do independent of each other – even if that is someone else that engages parts of our interests that maybe we can’t give each other. We celebrate those connections – we don’t feel threatened by it or feel it is an omen for something to come.
I guess that is why I look at my own recent poly failure and shake my head. How can I be an example when I made someone I loved so miserable. When I could not give him what he needed. It is why I also shy about straying too far back into the community we share. I look at everything in my life as a lesson – and I’m still trying to figure this one out as I heal.
As I’ve said before, when I love, I love authentically and passionately. I give what I hope to get. Because that is what love and intimacy is – deep. And I don’t know if I can do it any other way. And now, now I question if I should even be doing it. Can I handle the repercussions – can my other relationships handle it (I use relationship to describe all relationships: friendships, etc)?
And I this is why to hear I come up in poly discussions makes me feel like a fraud.
Like I’m doing – like I have done – something wrong.
I guess that is part of who I am – self examination – wondering what we real or what was something I may have made better than maybe it was. I don’t know – it’s what keeps me real – keeps me grounded.
But that’s the other thing that is not good, it is what keeps me from feeling like I should try for or get something like I had again……maybe I am not meant to have it.
(This is what happens when an IT person applies root cause analysis to her life….forgive me.)