I hate dreams that haunt you.

Dreams that stick with you even after you wake up – you relive them when the brain is idle – that dream creeps into your consciousness from your subconscious like a cat walking into a room – quiet and unexpectedly.

I dreamed of him the other morning.

I dreamed we were friends – or at least trying hard to be there. I remember vividly pushing the pain I was feeling in the moment away so that I could be there – be in his presence and not be the bat shit crazy one who can’t do it.  And as we talked, old habits – old actions seemed to creep into the situation.  He was kind. He was protective. He was looking out for me. Just like the old days.  And I felt the pain creep into me – the painful realization that I could not react the way I would have because to do so would be to scare him away – to end this connection we are trying to keep.  So I breathed and kept going.  And let him be kind – and tried to stay neutral.  He commented as he was going to get something that I should read his note to me on the wall.  “Weird,” I thought, “a note to me on the wall.”  So I looked around and found it.

It was like a jumble of things ‘Love you, really and truly” combined with “this isn’t working and never will” combined with other messages that brought forth elation but depression.  I heard him call “did you see it?” And I went to seek him out – to seek clarity – to see understanding…..but he was gone. I couldn’t find him.

Then the alarm woke me up.

I know it doesn’t take a dream dictionary to interpret it.  I am still conflicted. I am still trying hard to put on the happy face – put away the sad one – and just be.  Yet I’m afraid.  Afraid I will chase him away.  Afraid I will not say or do the right thing.  Afraid to be me….because being me got me into this mess.  I don’t see how it is going to get me out of it.

All day it has haunted me.  I hate dreams that haunt me.

G reassured me that I am in a much different place than he expected me to be.  Funny how the outside opinion doesn’t match the inside one – but, I guess, that isn’t too surprising – it is ME we are talking about – this is pretty par for the course really. I’m always my worst critic.

And then on top of the haunting dream – the mental prep of how I am going to get through tomorrow morning.  How I get to slap on a happy face – a face of someone who isn’t bothered by flying so I can fly for nearly 3 hrs.

In some respects, I am doing fine with it.  I’ve been more of a mess in the past.  A strange situation for me given that I am a control freak who wants to drive – if you will.  But not unexpected. I keep reminding myself that what I fear is the way society and media has screwed up my view of the world – making me think there is some connection to happiness, to my entire family on the plane, and other factors that are unrelated.  Reminding myself of that is helping.

But we shall see when I sit next to my kid on a plane and have to pretend all is well – so I don’t freak her out.

Yeah, this will be my greatest poker bluff ever.

I should mention – I’m a horrible bluffer.

Thankfully, G got me some Irish cream for my coffee tomorrow. And I have Bull Durham or Lord of the Rings to choose from on my iPad.  I guess I should be looking forward to the sun.  Ahh, the sun.

I guess that’s what I want. I want sun.  Sun to shine back into my life instead of the clouds.  I want to know where to go with him.  I know what end game he wants – I agree with it – I just wish I knew what that translates to in terms of actions.  Hi, I’m Emmy and I deal in actionable things more than mission statements.

I want to feel me more than I don’t feel like me.

And above all, I want to feel brave instead of vulnerable.  I want to stop defending who I am – and start just being who I am….again.  I don’t know….maybe that isn’t possible.

Or maybe, I need to ride this emotional wave and know that tomorrow is another day – and another wave – and as long as I’m breathing, things are good.