Hard

Sometimes it is just hard.

It’s hard to think.

It’s hard to feel.

It’s hard to figure things out.

And given the season – I feel it is compounded – by crowds, by not being able to find things I need, by not having enough time.

I don’t know.

My feelings are so jumbled sometimes that I wonder about everything. Do I even know what I want? Fuck, at a more fundamental level, do I even know what I need?

I hope I do.

I want to have faith that I do. I want to believe the best. I want to have hope.

But I have none.  While I know – at an intellectual level – that nothing is tied to anything – meaning, if all things are good, it doesn’t mean it’s time for something bad to happen…..but….but…..but….sigh…

It’s hard to believe it.  It’s hard to want to have faith.  It’s just fucking hard.

Maybe the new year will bring easy.

But I’m not counting on it.

I don’t know……I still feel like I’m recovering from the whiplash I feel I’ve experienced.

And I’m not sure what or when I will recover. Or even if.

It’s just hard.

What do you think?