Fear

There is a meditation in tantra that I was taught called the cave heart. Basically you start meditating, then allow yourself to travel inside your heart – which, is like a cavern or cave.  While you are there, there are specific things you are supposed to do – supposed to think about. And at the end, before you leave the cave, you turn around and look at the “self” that lives there.  This is the self that is inside you – hiding in your heart cave – living there out of view from even yourself.

When I did the meditation the first time, before the guide even told us what was next – what we may see when we turn around and look at the self that lives there – I saw vividly who lived in mine – a girl.

A scared, unsure girl who just wanted to be seen and understood and loved and nurtured and protected.  It was one of the most vivid things for me in this tantra class.  I was struck hard by what I saw – not because it was unexpected but I knew she was buried there, walled off, wrapped in  layers of protection.  I knew she was there – I ha just forgotten how many layers she was hidden behind.  No one ever saw her.  Not even me….

….until he saw her in me.

And he went in after her and took her hand and made it okay and made her feel safe and protected and nurtured.

And it thrilled me and scared the shit out of me at the same time.  But I walked through that fear and embraced it all, it felt right – I trusted – and I knew it would be okay.

I felt at the time that I had manifested for myself what I needed – the person I needed in my life – needed purely for me and my needs.  He was the first person that I didn’t feel like was there for ulterior motives.  He wasn’t there to take, take, take from me.  He wasn’t there because he couldn’t get what he wanted at home and was sent to go scratch that itch with me.  He wasn’t there because I was notch on his bedpost.  He was there because he saw me and I saw him – and we held onto each other.

And I think that is what scares the fuck out of me.

The same universe that gave him to me – gave us to each other – took him away.

And it scares me.  It scares me to ask again. It scares me to try again.  Because this one, well, this one has left a big old mark.  And that girl that lives inside of me is scared to death – doesn’t want to lose another Daddy type who saw her and held her and led her into the light allowing it to be okay she saw light.

While a huge positive step was taken, this is the pain I still feel.  This is the loss I still feel.  This is the missing piece of me that I feel is missing.  And nothing is going to fill that void. Not photography, not a ukelele, not a puppy, nothing.  And I guess that realization I am having both makes positive steps great and bittersweet.   I get that important person back into my life making my life brighter, but damn, universe…..damn.

The fear is ever present – more times than not sometimes.  And particularly when I need that Daddy, need the nurturing, need someone who isn’t looking for me to articulate or put into words what is going on in my head, but can look at me and just say “I know, Baby” and take me into his arms for a hug.

And while I can berate myself, which I do, that fear is going to always hold me back until I can figure out when I’m in a good enough place to walk through it – assuming I can walk through it.  While I can remind myself that worry is like rocking in a rocking chair, getting me no where.  He set the bar high,  too high – the fear of loss is too real – and while I can articulate what I need  – that sort of need isn’t an easy one to fill especially his shoes.

G reminded me tonight that I need to recall my own advice – if I find myself in the middle of the desert, just walk.  Don’t sit down and wait for rescue. Don’t sit down and weigh the pros and cons  – get on your feet and walk  – figure it out as you go knowing you will make mistakes along the way – and that the goal is to get out of the desert.

He reminded me that a week ago, I got up and started walking – taking a big step meeting and talking.  Huge step forward to getting out of the desert.

I guess I’m just still afraid.  The desert is scary and I’m still achy and I don’t want more achy from anywhere.

And I wish for a magic wand….

It’s the only crazy thing I can hope for right now.

What do you think?