I went to a party last night – a kink event that is my first in 2 months. And I learned two things:
- People in pain will use everything they hear against you. Yes, I got blamed for the issues in someone’s relationship that is not my own. This blame led to a confrontation. And during it, she tossed out to me in the most hateful way that I was never going to be good enough for SB because I could not give him what he wanted. I know it came from a place of pain, but fuck…..yeah, fuck. Have you ever had those moments when what you feared could happen could come true? Well, I had that moment and it came true. Yeah, I’m a fucking cunt for not being able to give him what he needed. Gotcha. Not go work on your own shit and keep me out of it. (And I’ll get in my car and cry all the way home.)
- Drama people will use your pain as a way to spread negativity. I have a very strict policy against people in my life going after people who cause me pain. First, I’m a big girl – I can handle it. Second, I do not want my pain to be your excuse for being negative and doing all of the things I despise. Third, negativity and hate are horrible things that eat people’s souls – do not do those acts in my name. To do that is to disrespect and dishonor me.
Yeah, both were done to me tonight. My feel-good night turned into a “why the fuck did I leave my cave” night.
But I am grateful for the following:
- Hugs from an understanding person who talked me down.
- The fact I got to see a very special friend of mine who I haven’t seen in way too long.
- The offers of kink I got tonight – and every one of them understood and respected that I was not in a headspace for it yet. And every one offered to help me through the catharsis of the situation as they know that can help too.
- Laughter and goofiness – I had a sadist sitting on my lap and I bounced him like a child on my knee playing horsy. Yeah, that IS goofy.
- For the people who pulled me out of my cave and gave me the most genuine “I’m happy to see you” welcomes that I have ever had.
- All of the “you and your tshirt rocks” comments I got as I challenged labels by wearing this tshirt:
- And I am grateful that I was able to go into a situation of uncertainty and be myself – be me – and do so unapologetically – even when I am trying to defuse the blame attempt on my life.
I will hold onto those things.