That’s Not You

I am blessed.

Despite everything I am still processing – still going through – I am truly blessed.

I saw friends last night I have not seen in a long time – and it was like a giant warm hug.  Sincere comments of “I missed you” followed by huge hugs was the common greeting.  I laughed. I shed a few tears (I must admit) – and I basked in the energy those people always seem to bring.

I was nervous.  And each time I had anxiety about the situation, I spoke the words instead of letting them fester in my head.  I finally realized what the nervousness really felt like – it felt like what I would feel before playing a softball game.  I was warmed up – I was ready – and I wanted to jump into it – getting it started so the nerves can melt away,  and I could focus on the here and now – not the what-could-be.  I’m a do-er not a waiter.

It’s funny how making that simple connection made it easier.  I was still anxious.  But I knew why and I knew when it would pass.  And it did as I could sink into that good energy and people.

Someone commented to me that they didn’t realize how deeply I could love someone.

I didn’t see it as a negative – just an observation.

My response was simple – few are worthy of it –  he was worthy of it – and I was happy to give it.

Still am.

Yes, I said that outloud.

The person followed up with the statement with “that’s why I admire you – I would be hurt and ready to lash out and bleed all over everyone and shoving everyone out of my life who was associated with the hurt – but that is not you.”

No, it isn’t.

It takes a lot for me to get to that point.  It takes a lot of hurt before I realize it’s beyond time to tap out of this.  Or in my case, say “fuck off” as I walk out the door or simply go stand over —> there.

I worried a bit that my absence would have been negatively seen.  Like I was attention whoring or something of the like.  But as this person pointed out quite clearly – that isn’t me. And that is realized.  And that is admired.   People were more worried that I was worried I was being judged….how fucking funny that my worry was the worry of others for me.

Like I said – a big warm hug.

Makes me glad I walked into the door.

What do you think?