I am blessed.
Despite everything I am still processing – still going through – I am truly blessed.
I saw friends last night I have not seen in a long time – and it was like a giant warm hug. Sincere comments of “I missed you” followed by huge hugs was the common greeting. I laughed. I shed a few tears (I must admit) – and I basked in the energy those people always seem to bring.
I was nervous. And each time I had anxiety about the situation, I spoke the words instead of letting them fester in my head. I finally realized what the nervousness really felt like – it felt like what I would feel before playing a softball game. I was warmed up – I was ready – and I wanted to jump into it – getting it started so the nerves can melt away, and I could focus on the here and now – not the what-could-be. I’m a do-er not a waiter.
It’s funny how making that simple connection made it easier. I was still anxious. But I knew why and I knew when it would pass. And it did as I could sink into that good energy and people.
Someone commented to me that they didn’t realize how deeply I could love someone.
I didn’t see it as a negative – just an observation.
My response was simple – few are worthy of it – he was worthy of it – and I was happy to give it.
Yes, I said that outloud.
The person followed up with the statement with “that’s why I admire you – I would be hurt and ready to lash out and bleed all over everyone and shoving everyone out of my life who was associated with the hurt – but that is not you.”
No, it isn’t.
It takes a lot for me to get to that point. It takes a lot of hurt before I realize it’s beyond time to tap out of this. Or in my case, say “fuck off” as I walk out the door or simply go stand over —> there.
I worried a bit that my absence would have been negatively seen. Like I was attention whoring or something of the like. But as this person pointed out quite clearly – that isn’t me. And that is realized. And that is admired. People were more worried that I was worried I was being judged….how fucking funny that my worry was the worry of others for me.
Like I said – a big warm hug.
Makes me glad I walked into the door.