Since I first heard this phrase, it stuck in my head.

"foreboding joy"

What does this mean? It means we fear joy because we worry it means something bad is going to happen because something good just happened. It is the feeling that keeps people from being happy – from savoring happy – because they are planning for the uncertainty that life always brings – that uncertainty that must mean something bad is going to happen to counteract the good.

I try so very hard to not forebode joy.

I try to thank the universe for what I have. I try to enjoy the moment. I try to believe that good will beget good – always. That whatever happens will happen – it isn’t something I can plan for or worry about. And I shouldn’t savor those moments of joy and happiness expecting the worst – else I will manifest just that – the worst.

My dad likes to say "speak it into existence". My tantra teacher used to say "your energy flows where your focus goes". If you want something good to happen and stay good – you must send your energy there – to the good – not to the troubles and the worries and the what-ifs. Else, your positive will go out the window and those things will come true. Hell, you made them come true.

I am approaching a few upcoming weeks where I’ll be doing things that make my inner shame tapes play and give voice to my inner anxieties. My fears of rejection for being me – my fears of not being important enough to even get minimal, polite attention. My fear of flying – that something bad is going to happen because, well, it just is. (It’s well documented – search the blog.) I am trying to positive. I am trying to enjoy the good and let the bad flow over me.

And I’m trying to remember there is not another shoe to drop. Waiting for it is to ignore the joy – ignore the good – because I am too busy waiting for the bad.

Not an easy thing to stop doing…..but a necessary one for me.